Good Hair Gone Bad: Allen Payne
Good Hair: I loooooved Allen Payne. I loved him as Lance on The Cosby Show, I loved him as Jason in Jason’s Lyric, and I loved him as G-Money in New Jack City. I actually met him in 2000 in LA, where he and Dondre Whitfield (Robert from The Cosby Show) were seeing A Perfect Storm. I almost fainted and had to hide behind a mall kiosk and get myself together before going up to him and pretending not to know exactly who he was, which turned into me gushing about how wonderful I think he is. Allen asked me and my girlfriends if we thought a remake of The Mack starring himself as an internet pimp would be enjoyable, turning to me and saying “Well, I know I already have your support, but I mean, for someone who’s not a super-fan.” That was the moment where I personally soured on him because in reality no I would NOT like to see such a movie. Puh-leeze, I didn’t even see A Perfect Storm. It’s just that I have a soft spot for overbites and he has cute buns. There, I said it.
Gone: Ok, he didn’t really go anywhere, he just got really scarce. By 2000’s Perfect Storm seeing Allen around was a real treat. He appeared a number of straight-to-dvd movies and turned into Tyler Perry’s stage-play golden boy, appearing in dozens of shows all over the country. Oh, and he was also in the disastrous Vampire in Brooklyn. This is when Allen went from plain “lightskinned” with some cute curls to having chemically induced “good hair”. His curl slowly evolved from a tendril-y flattop to a mushy s-curl. Can anyone say they actually like s-curls?
Bad: I support black media but House of Payne may be the worst show I have ever seen. I watched it just to see my boo, only to find that his good hair had collapsed into this neat and shiny packet of s-curl sadness. The show itself is abysmal unless you enjoy the mix of message-laden drama and intermittent coonery that stage-plays are known for, thanks to writer Tyler Perry. I mean it is BAD, in spite of the fact that I get to see an all black cast. It feels blasphemous to wish that a black show get cancelled, but House of Payne needs to go – if that little girl gets any more grown she’ll be going through menopause by the age of 25, and the grandfather character is the closest thing to KKK paraphernalia I’ve seen on this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Allen is the only real actor on that show but the rest is so bad that I can’t even focus on him. He’s actually a good actor and is holding up well for his age. Allen, let the curl go and come home to me, baby!