Ridiculous Causes: Part I
They say that if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. I was pondering the significance of taking up ’causes’ and decided to look around for petitions that specifically ARE NOT worth my time. Here is some of what I found:
123 Signatures: Heinz Ketchup Packets are Too Small
This petition is to get the Heinz Company to make ketchup in the same little tubs that BBQ sauce and honey mustard comes in, instead of the tiny packets. Those packets are entirely too small; one packet is never enough. It would be MUCH more convenient if it came in the little tubs, like how the BBQ sauce is in this picture:
Thembi: Hm. I reluctantly concur.
250 Signatures: Bring Back OJ’s Cereal
To: Kellogg Company
This petition has been created by “The OJ’s Preservation Society”, a grassroots organization chartered to raise awareness of delicious Kellogg’s “OJ’s” cereal to a whole new generation of hungry cereal consumers. We believe that “OJ’s” represents a high-water mark of cereal achievement, and are still mourning the 1986 discontinuation of Kellogg’s “OJ’s” from supermarket shelves. Breakfast, we fear, has never been the same.
Why, we can still vividly remember the “OJ’s” commercials the used to air during “G.I. Joe” and “Mask”. We watched with delight as Joe, the dashing OJ’s Rancher, worked diligently to round up herd after herd of oranges, while singing gallantly: “OJs! (hyah!) Keep them oranges rolling!”. This point deserves some further emphasis: we, the undersigned, do not remember any “Corn Pops” or “Apple Jacks” commercials from 1985, we remember “OJs“. In the modern, marketing-fueled, industry of cereal production, “OJs” was a juggernaut without parallel.
We believe that Kellogg’s discontinuation of “OJs” cereal was a grave underestimation of the sheer power of the potential “OJ’s” marketing juggernaut, and, dare we say, was at least partially responsible for the great cereal collapse of ’88. We realize that this is a bold statement, but we feel very strongly about the power of sweetened orange flavored O’s with 10% real fruit juice.
We, the undersigned, respectfully request that Kellogg’s seriously consider reviving the beloved “OJ’s” franchise, if only to give our children a real opportunity to get excited about cereal again.
We remain great fans of all of your other fine cereal acheivements.
Thembi: I remember OJ cereal, but “marketing juggernaut?” Be serious. I don’t want “The OJ’s Preservation Society” to have me on its mailing list. Petition Denied.
565 Signatures: Yes! We Want A Mariah Carey Doll!
To: Mattel, Inc.
Your company is famous worldwide for making quality toys and collectables that have become treasured items to millions. One of the most famous treasures is Barbie®. Over the years, you have created many celebrities’ likenesses into dolls (i.e. like the Shakira doll).
We Lambs (Mariah Carey’s name for her fans), the undersigned, would be delighted to be able to purchase a Mariah Carey doll as part of your Barbie® Collectables products. Like Barbie®, Mariah is valued and treasured to millions around the world. It would be a treat have a something other than a picture or poster of her to purchase.
This petition aims to unite Mariah fans from around the world to show you just how many would love to have a Mariah doll. We propose you consider talking with Mariah about making a Mariah Carey doll.
Thank you for your time in considering this matter.
Thembi: Mariah Carey fans call themselves ‘Lambs’? And, I’m sorry, you misspelled ‘collectibles’? Petition Denied.