Home » Jet Magazine, My Life, White People Is Funny., Yipes!

Me Against The World

9 October 2007 10 Comments

I realized that my stank attitude and lack of blogging has been caused by a series of rather ignorant interactions with the world over this last week that have eroded my spirit little by little. I’m starting to believe that I’m finally being punished for being weird and evil. I’m trying to rejoin society through blogging, so please allow me to let it all out.

The only garage I know of that is open on Sunday is this place I used to always go because a free car wash comes with the oil change. I stopped going there for a while because every time I went for an oil change, the mechanic would tell me that I needed something extra done. After an unnecessary transmission fluid change and some overpriced new wiper blades I realized that the gristle-lipped African dude who works there was using my oil change upgrades as a way to flirt with me and get me to come into the garage. For example, the last time I went there he asked me to move in closer so I could see what color some filter had turned and how badly I needed it replaced. All I smelled was the same stench of cologne and chewing sticks that often comes at me when an African dude is trying to holla. And he kept ‘accidentally’ brushing past me – ugh. I had no choice but to go there this past Sunday and the same googly-eyed gristle-lipped dude was right there asking where and how I’ve been. Man, just change my oil! And then he got an attitude and poked his crusty lip out because I told him upfront that ALL I wanted is an oil change. What’s sad is that if my car really did need something I wouldn’t even know it.

Last week I went downtown to play trivia quiz at a bar and found such a great parking space that it seemed unreal. When I got out of my car to put money into the meter, I see why no one had taken the spot already. Why was there a filthy white smackhead laying on the ground with his arms wrapped around the parking meter? The coldest, most urban thing I have ever had to do followed – I reached over his stringy haired self and started putting my money in. And he had the nerve to open his eyes and look up at me like I was disturbing HIM, with this “but I don’t wanna go to school Mommy” look on his face. I have less-than-zero sympathy for washed up white people, which may be ‘racist’ but come on…how could you let precious white privilege slip through your fingers? Yeah he’s probably mentally ill and so forth but schizophrenia is not that much of a match for white priviledge if you ask me. So I wasn’t necessarily about to give him any change, but the last thing I needed was him crossing his jaundiced eyes at me like I’m some capitalist pig just because I went back out there to feed the meter an hour later, and then had my friends step over him to get into the backseat. He’s lucky my parallel parking skills are so tight because I easily could have run over him while parking. There are PLENTY of great places to lay around in the city of Philadelphia but you just had to choose underneath a parking meter and make me feel like I’M doing the wrong thing? Get real.

Last week I was bringing groceries into my apartment and saw that I had mail waiting for me at the building’s common mail area. On top of the pile was my weekly Jet magazine. Yes, they still publish that and yes I have a subscription. There’s just certain black information that only Jet reports, and my bathroom feels really naked without it. In fact I’m not completely convinced that I’m even capable of having a bowel movement unless I am reading Jet magazine while on the throne. Anyway, my hands were full so I went inside and about my business. Since my building only has 3 units and unclaimed mail only gets discarded but once a month, imagine my surprise when two days later I went to go grab my Jet and it was gone! Someone straight STOLE my Jet magazine! Why anyone would risk not getting into heaven for some Jet magazine is beyond me. I don’t know if it was the old black widower on the second floor with the yipping dog or the ambiguously ethnic family on the third floor, but for now my money is on the old black man stealing it for a little private time with the Beauty of the Week. If my Jet magazine is missing this week (it features a ‘Where are They Now” on the cast of What’s Happening!) there will be hell to pay, do you hear me old black dude?? Triflin’!

10 Comments »

  • KelleBelle said:

    I’m glad you let it all out Thembi. I’m a bit cross with you for not inviting me to quizzo but that’s okay. The smackhead situation woulda turned me off. Not because it’s offensive but because I often wear skirts and no smackhead is getting a free peak of the goods as I’d hop over him while exiting the passenger side of your whip.

    Sorry to hear about the Jet theft. Please direct your neighbor to jakeandkelly.blogspot.com for a description of Black Folk’s Hell, lest he remain ignorant of his fate should he refuse to return the magazine!

  • AJ said:

    Glad you made it thru all the drama. People will steal anything now a days, someone stole a flowerpot off of my friends porch.

  • Q said:

    Oh heaven! @ this:
    come on…how could you let precious white privilege slip through your fingers?

    (send pretty flowers to my funeral!)

    I bet the exact moment you poop is somewhere between the shitty low rent ass “Jet Beauty of the week”(bathing suit by Kmart, pictorial by boyfriend) and the wedding/ eleventhieth wedding anniversary of Big John and big mama

  • VF said:

    I live in DC & understand the value of a parking space. I would have driven on top of ol’ boy.

    As for Jet, I guess it’s the curl juice drippin’ off of A.C. Green that really gets the bowels moving.

  • Invisible Woman said:

    I love it…Q, you are hilarious…Thembi-“ambiguously ethnic”? Perfect! haha

    I, too, have often said that I have no sympathy for a poor white person…there is just no excuse! But on the being grouchy tip, just pour it out on the page like you did today. Michael K. from d-listed and a few others (including me) would have no audience/blog if we weren’t bitchy on the regular, feel me? Just own it! :-)

  • justjudith said:

    sorry you were havin’ it so rough, but that was hilarious. keep your head up!

  • Phil said:

    you should make a habit of tearing out the beauty of the week and leaving it on top of the pile…that way your boy won’t have to steal the whole magazine. It’s rough being a dude! That page 24 got me through puberty.Real talk!…lol

  • hottnikz said:

    Thembi, girl you are crazy. I know it’s effed up but the only thing I let the Africans do OCCASIONALLY is braid my hair. They even screw that up!

  • Nancy said:

    “Relax, Relate, Release” !!!

  • Thembi said:

    Update:
    I came in the same moment as said old black dude (who, in this old school black man way, is alway justifying why he is not working and talking about how tired he is when I KNOW he jams to old school music and smokes weed on the porch on occasion) and my Jet was there. My mom told me that Babyface was on the cover last week, which means that its most likely that old dude had a penchant for the ‘Face, not for the Jet Beauty. Paging Dr. Kinsey…

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