You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Post Is About You
I know I’ve been completely delinquent (and I love the fact that y’all even noticed) but I have my reasons. Above all else, a lot of things have been disrupting my creative flow and ability to focus on writing. Believe it or not, I take my writing very personally. As much as I promised myself I would never use blogging as a soapbox to kvetch about my personal life, I’m starting to think that if I just put certain grievances out into the atmosphere they won’t keep stewing inside of me blocking my flow, and whether the offenders read this blog or not at least I said it somehow. It’s not that I like passive aggressive beef, it’s just that the people need me and I’m doing what I gotta to get back into business, because lately I have been feeling like a crazy black woman about to catch a case.
To a certain co-worker: If you bring your Indian behind to my office one more time to explain to me what I should be doing to advance my career when everyone thinks you’re a raving lunatic, I swear I will slip a handful of ground beef into your lil’ hummus lunch one of these days.
To a certain ‘accident’ victim: We both know that the only reason I sideswiped your car is that you were parked illegally while picking up a trannie prostitute. I took pictures and already notified my insurance company of the incident. If you think I’m going to let you raise my rates, just try me, because your little poor man’s RuPaul is in the photos too and I saw that wedding ring on your finger.
To a certain ex: I don’t understand how out of the 70 million blogs in the world, in fact, the 35 million that are in English, or even the thousands that are black, you consistently creep along on the same ones that I do. Coincidence? I think not. Its rather sad to emulate a person who openly and admittedly does not respect you for good reasons, and every time I see you out of the corner of my eye you’re doing some sad I-wish-Thembi-didn’t-think-I’m-a-punk shuffle. Please get some personal direction in life in general or better yet – bite off of someone who can say something more positive about you than “Well, I hope he doesn’t die or anything.”
To a certain jumpoff: Call me again talking about your baby momma drama and instead of my usual “yeah…word?…oh that’s foul!” I will be hanging up on you and pretending that my phone died. My hope is that eventually this will make you believe that I need a new phone, leading to the purchase of an iPhone for me for Xmas. Yes I hope you’re reading.
To the blogosphere in general: You’re wearing me out. Reading all of the mediocre blogs that I come across is draining my life force. People reading this blog and leaving ridiculous comments that demonstrate how much they don’t ‘get it’ is making me want to flee to Israel and join a kibbutz. Please be kind to me, everyone knows I’m already on the verge of crazy and if one more black nationalist leaves a comment longer than my original post I seriously may start speaking in tongues.
To dudes, jawns, and potential jumpoffs: When you have made it onto my Daytime Minutes List, you will know. Until then, any calls placed to my phone before 9pm on a weekday will be ignored. Also, lil “male friends,” who may already have Daytime Minute privileges because they’re in the “friend zone,” you’re not fooling me and its almost an insult to my intelligence. If you’re trying to set it off with Thembi, being direct is the best approach. You really never know.
To “old friends”: Facebook, MySpace – its all good. Trying to contact me via phone or e-mail like we haven’t missed a beat years after I blatantly cut you and your shallow ways out of my life, however, not good. It isn’t just futile, its condescending and self-aggrandizing. It’s really ok for us to just not be cool anymore, especially if I don’t like you.
To “random white girl”: I can’t get it out of my mind. I was sitting outside at a party with my two (black) friends and you were in a frenzy because you lost your cellphone and decided that instead of asking everyone on the stoop if they had seen it, you decided to ask just the black kids the same question FOUR TIMES. And then when we stopped answering you said “Have you seen it – yes or no?” with a ‘tude! Watson and Deezy are fine upstanding black men who would never strike a woman but we really should have beat you down. Yes, crazy black woman style.
Ahh…that feels good. Ok, I’ll be posting like the Thembi you know and love very shortly…