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"What The Eff?" Wednesday: Body Modification That I’ll Never Need

5 December 2007 11 Comments

I was saddened to hear that Kanye’s mom died of complications from hack cosmetic surgery – both because I hate to hear that anyone lost their mother, but also because I believe that such disasters don’t ever really need to happen; while I think that we put too much faith in modern medicine to keep us safe, I am a fattie. I joyously eat ice cream and lo mein while watching The Biggest Loser, celebrate the triumphs of the super-fatties, and thank my lucky stars that I haven’t reached the morbidly obese level. So since I would love a little bit of legit lipo or a tummy tuck that won’t give me a staph infection, I can’t hate on the impetus for body modification. Aside from all of that, in the alternate universe where Frasier Crane is president, speaking the King’s English is mandatory, and I weigh 125 pounds, there would still be people getting plastic surgery to basically emulate the natural Black Beauty that I was born with. Please bear with me while I explain…

These Luscious Lips: These juicy babies right here are assets that I never really think about, but I’m pretty sure that the whiteboys I pull love them right in accordance with my “Brown Nipple Theory”® (basically, since most men of all races love to go into a group of friends and report that they did some ol’ different stuff – like, say, hook up with a black girl and therefore can say that they’ve ever even seen a brown nipple, hence the name of the theory – a black female can basically snag a white dude just on the strength of giving them something to brag about). But how juicy is too juicy? Check out these Russian partygirls:

If my Negro self went to the beauty supply store and bought a bottle of Dark & Lovely Mary J. Blige Circa 1995 hair dye and a fake Burberry hat I still couldn’t hold a candle to those soup coolers. This is beyond ridiculous…while I understand that a woman’s lips get thinner with time, unless they started off looking like those of Larry Appleton from Perfect Strangers, there is no reason to pay to have anyone break your skin just so your lips look like something they’re not (I see you, Vivica).

This Velvety Brown Skin: Ok, this is officially my “Coming Out” post. I am a black girl who tans. In fact, I oil myself up, lay in the sun as long as possible, and worship the sun like VH-1 worships D-list celebrities. I just look better browner, like everyone else. You know the phrase “seeing the world through rose-colored glasses”? Well, I see the world through burnt sienna-colored glasses – and what? But how far is too far? Try this:

Um yeah…although I suspect that Photo Shop may be at play, I have enough white co-workers who act like they’re on their way to salvation when they tell me that they’re about to go “down the shore” and they end up coming back from vaca looking like overzealous Redskins fans.

This here Junk in the Trunk: My booty is huge. It’s not particularly perky or toned, but I happen to know (from personal experience and the abundance of opportunity in choosing mates that I have had as result of said booty) that size matters. I often call myself “The Butty Professor” because I have been known to bump into people and knock things over without even feeling it while simply intending to go about my daily business. But why aspire to such a handicap? We can blame J-Lo for this disaster:

Not even the newscaster can keep his composure. Suddenly every go-go song I have ever heard about “loose booty” has come to life, except for the fact that homegirl’s onion is way past loose and way into the dislocated territory. A few squats would give you some definition so I see no reason whatsoever to have a doctor cut you open and slap in half of a globe (undoubtedly the half containing the African continent).

Yeah. Considering the risk associated with all of these things I’m just not convinced that there’s a need. You wanna look like me, do you, Random White Lady? It’s cool, I got you for a low price like Hustle Man with some chitlin’ loaf. I’m willing to put some hot curlers to your lips, paint you in blackface sans the wrinkles, and fix you a bowl of cheese grits to get the whole job done real quick – as long as you let me take pics for the blog…


  • Muze said:

    okay, that last video is just downright funny. i was laughing with the newscaster. lol.

    you silly for that hot curler to the lips. lol. that is what it looks like though. funny.

  • AJ said:

    The pic of the “sun bather” reminds me of Silence of the Lambs….ugh…

  • Cassandra said:

    Hilarious!! I think it is funny that RWLs everywhere are trying to emulate us.

  • Regina said:

    They have been trying to enulate us for years, like Bo Derek getting her hair done in corn rows and oh Lord everyone (white) wanted that style. WHAT??? We’ve been wearing braids forever. But they secretly fear & love us!
    Anyway I wrote a post about the needs for surgery on my blog, check it out. http://reginasfamilyseasons.blogspot.com/2007/11/can-we-do-gods-job-better-than-him.html


  • MrsGrapevine said:

    I never could understand why people sun-bath. It’s hot, I mean uncomfortably hot. It’s literally burning your skin, how can that be fun. I don’t get it. I guess since I am brown the sun is a lot hotter on me than someone who is pale.

  • MsMarvalus said:

    Girl, these pictures and video had me cracking up! Funny, but sad…

  • Qucifer said:

    Bwahahah Now, you know I endorse the “Brown Nipple Theory” right??, you know that that’s how I let good 60% of my dating pool come to me, I cinch the deal other thousand different ways but nevertheless, is that and the “accent” factor for the other 40% that are not falling for the promise of brown nipple

  • Stacy said:

    omg this is the funnest thing ive ever read! why?! the sunbather was so scary! but Lord knows i do like to do a little tanning in the summertime myself… :o(

  • Ehav Ever said:

    Those two Russian women with the lip implants remind me of Mr. Potato Head. That video with the woman on the fall out bottom, I couldn’t even watch the whole thing. It makes me cringe when I think of the things people are doing to their bodies.

  • Just Think said:

    Wow!”They secretly fear and love us.” You know who I fear, only one. Maybe women not white women in general, but women, do what they do for their own personal resons. If someone does admire your beauti it’s funny how some are quick to critize. I happen to be a strong confident white woman. Who admires all beauti. Ever heared God don’t like ugly! Haters-Wow.

  • Bath Screens  said:

    almost all petroleum derived hair dyes are cancerous we should find some alternative ones that are much safer~*,

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