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"What The Eff?" Wednesday: Are You Gonna Eat That?

2 April 2008 7 Comments

I’m a bit of a foodie (read: greedy) and love trying new things, but is there a place to draw the line?

Sumseeds are “energized” with caffeine, taurine, and ginseng – basically roasted sunflower seeds soaked in Red Bull. Can you imagine what a different place the ‘hood would be if regular sunflower seeds were replaced with these? Start your day just standing on the corner and next thing you know you’re uncontrollably handing your business and rebuilding the community. I say that we abandon this “job training” concept, send a case of Sumseeds to every corner store in the ghetto, and see how things shake out.

Is the combination of peanut butter and jelly such a given that we need PJ Squares, these cheese-like slices of peanut butter and jelly? Call this a vote for lazy, but I think we do. I’m sure they taste like plastic, but should I ever decide to just give up on life I’m going to buy an L-shaped sofa, robe myself in a fleece caftan, and just lay there all day watching Living Single re-runs while slapping pre-made slices of peanut butter and jelly on Wonder Bread.

Some things are on the edge of ridiculousness but enjoyable anyway; photos of Will & Jada, UPN sitcoms, Tyra Banks, and Keanu Reeves all come to mind. That’s how I feel about Jelly Belly Buttered Popcorn flavored jellybeans. They’re good, but if I have too many I realize how unappealing they really are. However, if I picked one out of a bag and instead ended up with Rotten Egg flavor I would be rather unhappy. Jelly Belly’s new BeanBoozled line features ten of its usual flavors mixed-in with gross look-alikes including Ear Wax, Baby Wipes, and Pencil Shavings. No, thank you.

Vitamin Water is a cute accessory but you shouldn’t depend on it as a health supplement. Likewise, Meat Water, with flavors such as Texas BBQ and Beef Stroganoff, should not be depended upon to actually taste like meat. Even though this site is clearly a joke, I think that Fat Joe should get his own flavor just like Fifty did. I’m pretty sure he’s not a vegan.

I love pickles but people who drink the juice have always skeeved me out. Pickle Sickles are tubes of frozen pickle juice gaining popularity in schools, and I’ll try one as soon as I get past the fact that the pickle in the ad is basically suggesting that I drink his bath water. Can you imagine being a teacher and having to smell the raging foul breath of thirty fourth-graders after eating these?


  • aj said:

    I must admit…I’ve had pickle juice back in the day and I enjoyed it – lol..but I’ll pass on the sickles.

  • I. Nicole said:

    Drinking the pickle’s bath water!?….BWAAAHAAAHAA!!!

  • Qucifer said:

    UGHHH nasty Nasty Nasty, Good god that’s some nasty shit!

  • Invisible Woman said:

    I think I would prefer the Meat Water compared to all the real ones…are we really that f’d up that we need P & J slices? What keeps the jelly hard?


  • THE 78' MS. J said:

    Where do you come up with these Good goggly moggly this is one for the nasty and I vote no history books.

  • THE 78' MS. J said:

    Where do you come up with these Good goggly moggly this is one for the nasty and I vote no history books.

  • CCGroovy!!! said:

    Woe be to all of the elementary shool teachers that have to deal with all of the little crumbsnatchers after they finish gobblin’ up all this unecessary nastiness.

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