Home » My Life, Our Shame, Spot Blowing, That Not-So-Fresh Feeling

Wack Niggas.

23 June 2008 32 Comments

It’s usually beyond the purview of this blog for me to share my personal life. For the most part it’s way less interesting than the random things I conjure up to discuss. But this wack nigga called me to duty so let me tell you the ignorant mess that just happened.

On Friday night I went to a fashion show with some friends and, in true Thembi fashion, determined that the only acceptable black man in the room was the random meathead working security. What can I say – when Mr. Right is not around Mr. Rite Now (spelling intentional) will have to do. Since it’s officially summer and I’m in full mack mode, this dude and I – his name is Marc – exchanged numbers.

Our first date on Sunday evening revealed a few things: due to his lack of education, home training, and verbal skills, he would be best suited as a second-string paramour, aka one of my “jump offs.” Like I said, it’s summer! After dinner we had too many drinks at his place, I listened to his wackass beats and showed him my blog, and we decided that since we live in the same neighborhood he’d make a great summer fling – nothing more. Without giving away any details that would put my chastity into question, I didn’t get home until the wee hours and we made plans to get together again on Wednesday.

This afternoon Marc called to confirm our plans and continued his gratuitous gushing over how gorgeous and cool I am. All was fine until around 10:30 when he calls, but instead of Marc it was a female voice asking “Who is this?” I was like, you just called me, who is this? She says “did you call this number? who is this?” Since I hadn’t called, I just hung up.

After about five minutes I was like hold on, hunh? For a jump-off all of this already? So I called Marc and got his voicemail, a message that had magically changed to “I lost my phone and all of my numbers so please leave your information, your call is important to me.” I was like hm ok that’s weird, again not even really using Thembi-style analysis skills on this situation since the sun had only risen and set three times since this dude even came into my life. Five minutes later he calls back.

“Hey, did you call me?” He stutters. In fact come to think of it, he always stutters.
“Yeah, whats up? You lost your phone?”
“Did a girl just call you from my phone?”
“Yeah, wtf was that about?”
“Oh, that was my coworker playing on my phone, she said you hung up on her.”

Just then I hear an angry female voice in the background talkin’ bout some “Oh, ok is that your jumpoff Marc? Hunh? Is that your jumpoff?” I was like “Ok I see the deal, don’t call me again,” and hung up. Five more minutes pass and guess who it is?

“Um, hello, who is this? Have you been calling Marc?” she says.
“Who is THIS?” I was really tired at this point but I’m a glutton for punishment.
“Well, this is Vanessa, I’m Marc’s girlfriend, and I don’t know what he told you but we’re in a relationship and he’s my man and I just wanted to let you know woman to woman that he’s playing some games because we are together.”

Now this is the moment when, if I were a different person, I’d be like “Well, he wasn’t your man when he was NOTSAFEFORWORKLANGUAGE-ing me,” but since I’m the Thembi you know and love I was just like “Wow, ok I didn’t know about you, get your man.” But she went on.

“Yeah because this is not even really his phone, we share this phone so when I saw this number I was like who is he calling, and when I went into his house it seemed like someone else had been there.” I was like “Yeah, that’s really corny, I’m not into this type of stuff, you don’t have to worry about me anymore, goodbye.”

But as I started to hang up she loses it and starts screaming “Ok then Marc, tell her! Tell her you have a girlfriend! You didn’t tell her that did you? Did you tell her about all the stuff I bought you? Go ahead, tell her about how I bailed you out of jail when you got arrested for those traffic tickets! Go ahead, here’s the phone tell her!”

Once the scuffling and slapping sounds started I realized that there was no more comedy to be gained from the situation, so I hung up. I’d be beating the huss offa my man if he claimed that I was his co-worker right in my face, so I let Vanessa handle her business. But of course, the phone rings again. And guess who it is?

I can explain everything,” he says. Doubtful.
“Dude, you could have just told the truth, this is really corny, it’s not even that serious, it was nice meeting you, don’t call me again.” The thing is, I couldn’t even be upset, I was mostly insulted by his audacity at thinking there was any explaining to be done.

“No, but, I’m really trying to see you again, I’m gonna call you later…”
“I SAID do NOT call me again. Lose my number, for real.” A normal person would have hung up at that moment with a flourish, but since my life is stupid I got to hear his last words.

“Ok…um…well…put me on your blog…”

So here it is.

No one thing jumps out as particularly ridiculous so I’ll run the list. First of all, why is my life just so filled with stupid?

Secondly, how are you going to try and creep on a shared phone? Who even SHARES a phone anymore? Aren’t phones free nowadays? Hasn’t this wack nigga ever heard of a pre-paid? And, did he really think that changing his message on the hurry up was going to throw me off enough to subdue any suspicions? And, I just met you on Friday! You couldn’t even get your creep on for a full week? I swear fo’ GOD that if this dude had a MySpace page I’d be posting his photo also; of course in the 36 hours that I knew him there were no photo ops. And what a punk! He could have easily told me that he had a girlfriend and let me make a decision, but instead I have to be a pawn in this nonsense. For what? I hadn’t even had the time to get used to the idea of him being a jump-off, the time we spent together was not all that, and I CERTAINLY did not want him as my man because as you can see, he’s not the brightest. Worse yet is that I KNOW he will be calling again.

Lastly, “woman to woman”?!?! “did he tell you about all the stuff I bought him”?!?! I don’t know which is more cliched. Those lines are too hackneyed and trite to even make their way into a Gospel Play. I really dont know what would go through my head in a situation like that but seriously I couldn’t believe the Maury-ness of it all.

There are really too many people who roll like this on a regular basis. Break-up to make-up, creep and get creeped on, confront innocent victims who are really just trying to have interesting summers, convince yourself that your man really wants you even though he’s trying to get some on the side, and end up at Old Country Buffet by the weekend like nothing ever happened. Sad, wack, twisted stuff! I don’t know which of them is dumber, but this girl needs to make sure that one song, if ANY song makes it onto her iPod, is on heavy rotation:

32 Comments »

  • KelleBelle said:

    The oral account was even more dramatic, trifling, depressing, yet extremely intriguing.

    I love how dude was trying to pull one over on YOU. Bless his broke-ass heart. I mean, you did whip out the HU ballpoint when exchanging numbers right?

    Sorry you had to be a part of such wackness but this is actually quite common amongst certain folk. Mostly folk who “share” phones, bail each other out of traffic prison, and celebrate important rites of passages (first abortion, first lacefront, third time beating a dead-beat dad claim, etc.) at Dave and Busters*.

    *I love me some D&B’s! But only whilst tipsy and celebrating some foolishness like finding a forgotten $20 in your winter coat.

    ps: I bet Shaunie or whatever the f*ck is the name of Snoop’s wife listens to that song EVERYDAY.

  • jazzfan360 said:

    That was some straight-up entertainment. Wow. “Changin his message on the hurry-up” HA! I’m a little ashamed of how much I enjoyed reading that lol. Some folks just ain’t got NO sense.

    “Hello, may I speak to Barbara? Barbara, this is Shirley. Now, you might not know who I am, but…”

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha…I’m gonna be rollin off this for a GOOD while.

  • blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said:

    Hey there Thembi! {waves}

    I visit your blog from time to time but don’t always comment but THIS TIME… I just have to say something….*LOL*

    And first of all….(smiles)
    I am feeling so sad for that sista who waa broadcasting that she was financing her man and perhaps even paying for the phone that he’s using for his side activities… and she called you repeatedly?! {sigh} Why is it that women go through this?? Why?

    And second of all…it was wise of you to move right along….

    He should not even warrant a glance…. let alone a phone call…

    Good for you!

    {high fives}
    Lisa

  • Missy said:

    Damn…damn…damn!!!

  • Anonymiss said:

    As soon as I read “Woman to Woman” I started hearing Aretha sing, LOL!

    A lot of dudes nowadays are tired. I can’t believe he’s actually sharing a phone. It costs like $10 to add a line. Times must be really hard, LOL!

    I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for the laughter :-)

  • Thembi said:

    @Lisa and Anonymiss

    After further contemplation I realized that “sharing a phone” most likely means she pays the bill because his credit score is the same as his fightin’ weight. SO wack.

  • Antonio said:

    I was rolling at “put me on your blog”. I hope she dropped his dumb ass, although I doubt it.

  • ZACK said:

    On behalf of the REAL n-words,

    I apologize for men like Marc who give men like me a bad reputation. You seem like a priceless jewel who doesn’t need to be in the same area as fake jewelry.

    Whether or not you “sealed the deal” with him is a personal choice. If you did, I hope that you learned your lesson. If not, I hope that you learned your lesson! :)

    You have an excellent writing style and I’m glad that I found you through Old Black Church.

  • Thembi said:

    @zack

    thanks. just so we’re clear there was NO deal sealing!

  • LaJane Galt said:

    I’m pro-sealing the deal!

    I can’t believe you even picked up the phone a second time. Even booty calls should be of a certain level though. Let the security guard bang the meter maid and let her pay his bail.

    *whispers*
    I wonder what that Pakistani myspace dude’s wife would have said to you.

  • Dara said:

    BWAHAHAHAHA!
    you’re gonna make me lose my job.

    you know youre a star when people fuck up in HOPES of making it on your blog. perfect.

  • KelleBelle said:

    I co-sign Dara’s statement.

    Like I said on the phone, I bet this was all one big elaborate scheme to get on your blog. Congrats, you’ve officially arrived! (arrived where…I don’t exactly know.)

    ps: Who do we know at Sister2Sister? This account must be broadcasted to a wider audience. I’ll make some calls.

  • THE 78' MS. J said:

    Thembi you had me rolling clutching my sides and just gasphing for air hotmess at it’s finest. She not to bright her damn self if she bailed that jigga out and she share a phone with him? She sound mad young or real naive. His bust it baby needs to get a grip and a new dude, wackness personified. Oh and stop picking up random door shakers, please and thank you all them jiggas is supsect hell they don’t even get to have guns. LMAO

  • THE 78' MS. J said:

    Thembi you had me rolling clutching my sides and just gasphing for air hotmess at it’s finest. She not to bright her damn self if she bailed that jigga out and she share a phone with him? She sound mad young or real naive. His bust it baby needs to get a grip and a new dude, wackness personified. Oh and stop picking up random door shakers, please and thank you all them jiggas is supsect hell they don’t even get to have guns. LMAO

  • phx said:

    Okay, after that one I confess – I do worship you. But just a little bit.

  • Dara said:

    ps. if we were in the same room, id smack you with a bag of foam rollers for posting that mokenstef video.

  • cluelesswhitewoman said:

    While I have to pity the girlfriend, omgwtf, “put me on your blog”?!? BWAHAHAHAHAHA… I love it. I bet he’s hoping to read a post about how he was all that, and you were so crushed to find out he had a territorial girlfriend…. Sorry Marc!

  • Anonymous said:

    1. Yes you ARE a priceless jewel and I hope you learned your lesson too.

    2. You shouldn’t poke fun of gospel plays.

    3. NEVER ATTEMPT TO APPREHEND A FUGITIVE YOURSELF!

  • Undercover Black Man said:

    Can you tell me another bedtime story? Please?

  • Bonnie said:

    OMG, I think I have messed up my keyboard from spitting out soda from laughing and my right contact popped out. YOU ARE KILLING ME and to jazzfan360

    “Hello, may I speak to Barbara? Barbara, this is Shirley. Now, you might not know who I am, but…”

    YOU get a gold star for the day. I cannot stop laughing…

  • Ill Mami said:

    Oh Thembi.

    Thembi, girl, I so feel your pain. Since I feel we’re close like play cousins, did I ever tell you about the time when some chick called me after her man and myself went to Miami…6 months later? Then she proceeded to ask my opinion as to whether she should stay with him or not?

    Despite all of the comedy that can be gleaned from this situation, I feel your pain. Negroes can really be trifling in Philly.

  • Qucifer said:

    it’s 7 am I should be putting work clothes Instead I’m here In EFFING TEARS!!

    I’m try to use “corny” n the next dude that starts the Bullshit, only cause it sounded both fitting and emasculating as fuck

    Niggatry in Motion!!

  • Stacy said:

    LOL! honestly, i would not have believed stuff like this happens in real life, but there you go!!
    thank you Marc & Vanessa for being such complete messes! i needed a good laugh today!
    too funny thembi, as usual! :o)

  • Slaus Caldwell said:

    he needs to kill hisself

  • aicha said:

    this makes me incredibly homesick

  • sparkle said:

    i want you to know that before i even clicked the ‘play’ button on that youtube box, i knew precisely what song it was. why? because you understand the importance of 90’s r&b. also: thank you for giving me further confirmation that i’m not pressed enough to waste my breath talking to these sources of fuckery that we call fellow 215ers. good god almighty!

  • ms. bliss honeycomb said:

    holeeeeshit.

    wow. just…wow.

    this sounds like some high school drama, not something that should be plaguing folks who can legally drink & sign binding contracts. wtf?

  • ginnysthoughts said:

    Oh boy, reading this blog has made me stay up entirely to late and on a work night no less! lol! And I was laughing so hard and so loud that I think I migh thave woke the rest of the house up. Oh boy! Thanks Thembi! lol. And I’m off to bed.

  • bliz said:

    i’m a complete shitbag with very little regard to other’s feelings- but i wouldn’t feel right about cheating on a girl who bailed me out of jail.

    that’s all.

  • Dave said:

    i’m like 7 months too late, but LMAO!!!

  • Tafari said:

    Late as hell on this one but this shit is hilarious. When I read that they were sharing a phone, I almost peed on myself. They both must be broke as hell to be sharing a phone. That is so 90’s

    So happy to hear that you did not get sprung on the jump off!!!

    Tafari

  • Claire said:

    This is hilarious. Why do women feel the need to fight over these fools?

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