It’s usually beyond the purview of this blog for me to share my personal life. For the most part it’s way less interesting than the random things I conjure up to discuss. But this wack nigga called me to duty so let me tell you the ignorant mess that just happened.
On Friday night I went to a fashion show with some friends and, in true Thembi fashion, determined that the only acceptable black man in the room was the random meathead working security. What can I say – when Mr. Right is not around Mr. Rite Now (spelling intentional) will have to do. Since it’s officially summer and I’m in full mack mode, this dude and I – his name is Marc – exchanged numbers.
Our first date on Sunday evening revealed a few things: due to his lack of education, home training, and verbal skills, he would be best suited as a second-string paramour, aka one of my “jump offs.” Like I said, it’s summer! After dinner we had too many drinks at his place, I listened to his wackass beats and showed him my blog, and we decided that since we live in the same neighborhood he’d make a great summer fling – nothing more. Without giving away any details that would put my chastity into question, I didn’t get home until the wee hours and we made plans to get together again on Wednesday.
This afternoon Marc called to confirm our plans and continued his gratuitous gushing over how gorgeous and cool I am. All was fine until around 10:30 when he calls, but instead of Marc it was a female voice asking “Who is this?” I was like, you just called me, who is this? She says “did you call this number? who is this?” Since I hadn’t called, I just hung up.
After about five minutes I was like hold on, hunh? For a jump-off all of this already? So I called Marc and got his voicemail, a message that had magically changed to “I lost my phone and all of my numbers so please leave your information, your call is important to me.” I was like hm ok that’s weird, again not even really using Thembi-style analysis skills on this situation since the sun had only risen and set three times since this dude even came into my life. Five minutes later he calls back.
“Hey, did you call me?” He stutters. In fact come to think of it, he always stutters.
“Yeah, whats up? You lost your phone?”
“Did a girl just call you from my phone?”
“Yeah, wtf was that about?”
“Oh, that was my coworker playing on my phone, she said you hung up on her.”
Just then I hear an angry female voice in the background talkin’ bout some “Oh, ok is that your jumpoff Marc? Hunh? Is that your jumpoff?” I was like “Ok I see the deal, don’t call me again,” and hung up. Five more minutes pass and guess who it is?
“Um, hello, who is this? Have you been calling Marc?” she says.
“Who is THIS?” I was really tired at this point but I’m a glutton for punishment.
“Well, this is Vanessa, I’m Marc’s girlfriend, and I don’t know what he told you but we’re in a relationship and he’s my man and I just wanted to let you know woman to woman that he’s playing some games because we are together.”
Now this is the moment when, if I were a different person, I’d be like “Well, he wasn’t your man when he was NOTSAFEFORWORKLANGUAGE-ing me,” but since I’m the Thembi you know and love I was just like “Wow, ok I didn’t know about you, get your man.” But she went on.
“Yeah because this is not even really his phone, we share this phone so when I saw this number I was like who is he calling, and when I went into his house it seemed like someone else had been there.” I was like “Yeah, that’s really corny, I’m not into this type of stuff, you don’t have to worry about me anymore, goodbye.”
But as I started to hang up she loses it and starts screaming “Ok then Marc, tell her! Tell her you have a girlfriend! You didn’t tell her that did you? Did you tell her about all the stuff I bought you? Go ahead, tell her about how I bailed you out of jail when you got arrested for those traffic tickets! Go ahead, here’s the phone tell her!”
Once the scuffling and slapping sounds started I realized that there was no more comedy to be gained from the situation, so I hung up. I’d be beating the huss offa my man if he claimed that I was his co-worker right in my face, so I let Vanessa handle her business. But of course, the phone rings again. And guess who it is?
“I can explain everything,” he says. Doubtful.
“Dude, you could have just told the truth, this is really corny, it’s not even that serious, it was nice meeting you, don’t call me again.” The thing is, I couldn’t even be upset, I was mostly insulted by his audacity at thinking there was any explaining to be done.
“No, but, I’m really trying to see you again, I’m gonna call you later…”
“I SAID do NOT call me again. Lose my number, for real.” A normal person would have hung up at that moment with a flourish, but since my life is stupid I got to hear his last words.
“Ok…um…well…put me on your blog…”
So here it is.
No one thing jumps out as particularly ridiculous so I’ll run the list. First of all, why is my life just so filled with stupid?
Secondly, how are you going to try and creep on a shared phone? Who even SHARES a phone anymore? Aren’t phones free nowadays? Hasn’t this wack nigga ever heard of a pre-paid? And, did he really think that changing his message on the hurry up was going to throw me off enough to subdue any suspicions? And, I just met you on Friday! You couldn’t even get your creep on for a full week? I swear fo’ GOD that if this dude had a MySpace page I’d be posting his photo also; of course in the 36 hours that I knew him there were no photo ops. And what a punk! He could have easily told me that he had a girlfriend and let me make a decision, but instead I have to be a pawn in this nonsense. For what? I hadn’t even had the time to get used to the idea of him being a jump-off, the time we spent together was not all that, and I CERTAINLY did not want him as my man because as you can see, he’s not the brightest. Worse yet is that I KNOW he will be calling again.
Lastly, “woman to woman”?!?! “did he tell you about all the stuff I bought him”?!?! I don’t know which is more cliched. Those lines are too hackneyed and trite to even make their way into a Gospel Play. I really dont know what would go through my head in a situation like that but seriously I couldn’t believe the Maury-ness of it all.
There are really too many people who roll like this on a regular basis. Break-up to make-up, creep and get creeped on, confront innocent victims who are really just trying to have interesting summers, convince yourself that your man really wants you even though he’s trying to get some on the side, and end up at Old Country Buffet by the weekend like nothing ever happened. Sad, wack, twisted stuff! I don’t know which of them is dumber, but this girl needs to make sure that one song, if ANY song makes it onto her iPod, is on heavy rotation: