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What Happened to Black Love?

25 June 2008 34 Comments

After the meaningless nonsense of the past few days, in fact, past few years, I’ve finally accepted that Black Love is in a bit of trouble. I ADORE Black Love itself – as corny as it may sound, there’s something so intensely beautiful about the concept that has made me seek it almost exclusively. At my age I’m finally trying to take the idea of settling down seriously, but my usual approach to life has not been cutting the mustard. I’m far from desperate and haven’t had much trouble catching who I want. But I believe in fate, luck, chemistry, being in the right place at the right time, and not strategizing too much, so maybe that’s why I’m single. Or, perhaps it’s because I’m not the dopest chick out there. Or, perhaps, and I hate to say it, it’s because black love is on the endangered species list right along with hip-hop and my beloved black sitcoms.

Don’t get me wrong – it happens for many of us. But something has to be going on when I look at my female friends and all but a handful are single and looking, unhappily involved, or dating non-black men. Something has to be going on when I look at my male friends and they claim that the cool black female is a rare breed, and once they find one the situation is tenuous at best. Just what are the underlying issues behind all of this and how can we maintain faith in black love in the face of them?

#1. The Death of Monogamy and Marriage. It’s not just a black thing – marriage has become a joke in America and is as easy to undo as your auto insurance provider. Meanwhile, black folks are making haphazard “families” out of wedlock every day, and the expectation of monogamy is particularly low. Some blame feminism for releasing women from financial dependence on men, others point to a general decline in morality. I personally think that life has gotten a little bit long for all of this til’ death do us part stuff, and people are taking notice.

Who Gives Me Hope: There’s still something suspicious about Will & Jada, but instead of going with the rumor mill I’ll go with my gut, here. Will has declared that the key to a successful marriage is that divorce is simply not an option, an idea so antiquated that it made headlines.

#2. Chronic Incompatibility. I’ve always considered the “black male shortage” a media-driven myth, but part of my personal problem has definitely been the lack of selection. It seems too much to ask that a black man be child and felony free, have a college degree and a job, and generally act right. These are all traits that I’ve long ago stopped seeking just for the sake of having fun and companionship and not setting myself up for failure. The way I see it, I can’t be mad if applesauce doesn’t taste like chicken. Applesauce is applesauce, and I’m hongry! So we jump-off, we flirt, and we do what we can to bide time. Of course there are plenty of black folks on my track, but considering that so many of us aren’t, finding a stand-up Negro to jump the broom with has become a needle-in-a-haystack search.

Who Gives Me Hope: Angela Basset is one of the most accomplished actors black Hollywood will ever see, and her husband, Courtney B. Vance, is not. Period. He’s ok with it, she’s ok with it, and we’re ok with it. Black women can achieve and deal with having a man who is not as high-power, and black men can accept that it’s not all about them in a relationship…right?

#3. Man vs. Woman. The black community spends so much time on issues of race that we forget how powerful gender roles can be. Black men are supposed to be strong providers, heads of households, hyper-masculine, and keep their women in some form of check. Black women are supposed to support their men, rear some black babies, have a little Negro Temptress fire, and fix plates. In fact, the biggest relationship skill I’ve learned in 29 years is how to fix a good plate for my man. They say that black men are shiftless and can’t control their women. They also say that black women are aggressive, over-worked, and can’t be controlled. I’ve never really known what to do with that since I’m all of those things in spite of, not because of, the fact that I have melanin in my skin and pair of ovaries. The bottom line is that our expecatations are so rigid that we never get as far as we should together.

Who Gives Me Hope: Nick Ashford and Valerie Simpson are grotesquely compatible. If they aren’t meant for each other, who is? They’re both weird and accomplished enough that neither would dare stray from that union. Her braids have been literally stuck 3/4 of the way towards done since 1984, and his perm game is almost gender-bending. He looks like a woman with a moustache, is absolutely un-masculine, and she sure doesn’t think he’s not a real black man because of it.

#4. Playing Games vs. Having Game. The things that make me so Thembi-licious, like my Ivy League degree and searing wit, have been negative attributes when it comes to dating. I wish I could say that I’ve ever considered myself “too good” for a guy, but the reality is that they tend to consider a woman like me way too much work. As soon as foolishness jumps off and we call you on it, women are demanding and don’t know how to treat a brother right. Be feeble-minded and keep it real, or be a brainiac and tell me lies, but please don’t underestimate my intelligence. On the other hand, and I’m guilty of this, women want a man with some edge and adventure, and buttoned-down investment banker types, momma’s boys, and other such “nice guys” often get passed over in favor of someone who brings a little more excitement. In short, laziness and the pursuit of superficial qualities keep many of us from being real and seeking real.

Who Gives Me Hope: Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis are my favorite black couple of all time just on the cuteness principle. But what you may not know is that their 57-year union was an open marriage. They believed that without the need for lies and deception, they could always make it work. I don’t know if that’s the only way to make it stick, or if it even counts as having stuck, but they were down for each other until the day he died. Kind of makes you wonder, hunh?

#5. The Brotherman vs. The Otherman. Thanks to integration we don’t have to sneak off into the woods to date inter-racially and usually no one gets lynched for it. In fact, a few years ago I created the Brown Nipple Theoryâ„¢. Basically, men love to go to the “locker room” and tell other men about their exotic exploits, one of which, in some circles, is having seen a brown nipple firsthand. Therefore, non-black men, especially immature ones, can’t wait to experience a black woman just for the sake of post-modern exoticism. In short, good-old fashioned male conquest brings the races together in a way that has assured black women that we can date who we want, when we want, and not think we’re too dark or nappy for a non-black man to take interest. I’ve always been open-minded and there are simply more white people to be had in this country. I’ve always thought that intentionally dating outside of one’s race is pathetic because love is way more organic than that – it usually “just happens” and most interracial relationships have nothing to do with color. But I’m starting to understand the rare breed that openly decides to give up on the brotherman to exclusively date the otherman. And don’t get me started on the stereotype of the black man who becomes successful and gets himself a white woman, because I’ve personally seen it in action.

Who Gives me Hope: Have you ever asked yourself why Barack is married to a black woman? If so, have you asked why Michelle isn’t with a white man? Probably not. Race is so irrelevant to me in its finer points and who knows what childhood pathologies are ever coming into play on an individual level, but Barack loves his black woman and black family. Barack can denounce whatever church ideology he wants to, but I know that he believes in his old church’s pro-black-family stance, even if he lacks the political strength or patience to explain it to America just yet.

I’m really interested in hearing what you all think. Is black love in crisis? Can you inspire me with more examples of strength even if you just want to shout out your own boo? Should I continue to amuse myself with not-good-enoughs, snag myself a white guy, or draft a strategy to keep black love alive? Discuss.


  • gradmommy said:

    Hmmm…there was a time when I thought black love was overrated, and had me an otherman. But then the otherman dissed me and a brotherman found me and we’ve been together ever since. I have a couple of thoughts – 1) I understand that there are many not-good-enoughs out there, but sometimes I think that we are looking for perfection when it doesn’t exist. My personal philospohy, which applies to everyone, not just my husband, is that if you want to be happy, you have to focus on the positives about people instead of the negatives. Of course, some really are not good enough, but I believe there area lot of good brothers out there who just need a chance. If a black woman can’t see the positives, who will? 2) I love the fact that “divorce is not an option.” My husband and I definitely live by that credo. We also live by the credo “do you want to be right? or do you want to get along?” MOST things that couples fight about aren’t really all that important, but ego gets in the way and we always want to be right. That’s counterproductive to the concept of “we” – now, “we” want to be right against the world, not against each other.

    I guess this is not specific to black love, but, esp with my first point, I see so many of my friends looking for the perfect brother because they feel that they are so together and want a man that matches up with them. But Ivy-league educated or not, we all have flaws and are not perfect in so many areas – why do we insist that our partner be so? My husband was NOT perfect in many of the areas that I thought a good-enough man should be. But I thought – hell, give it a shot? And what lay beneath was a journey that we went on together, so that now all of our major accomplishments could not have occurred without each other. We needed each other to rise to the standard of being good-enough according to most educated black people’s standards.

    But yes, black love is so beautiful and add little black babies to that love and it’s heaven. Its also true that love comes when you aren’t looking for it, so relax, be patient, and wait. Look for the positives, give brothers who on the surface may not be good enough a chance. You may be so surprised by what you find underneath the surface.

  • Miss GypsyEyes said:

    I am guilty of dating “the other man” almost exclusively. And I get a lot of flack from people(mostly black) who don’t know me when I say that. I’ve also realized that people are going to think WTH they want, especially those who don’t know me, so they don’t matter. I just consider it a preference the same way some guys don’t date women who weigh above 115 lbs, and only go for women with light skin and long hair. I have nothing but respect for brothers who are out there doing the right thing, and I love all of my brothers. I just don’t start serious relationships with them anymore. I know some consider it blaming all for the acts of a few but if you knew my exes, it’d all become clear and you’d wonder why I haven’t turned to women. The bottomline is that “other men” treat me the way I deserve to be treated, and are more accepting of me, as I am, without trying to change me. I love me, and I know what makes me happy, and what I’m comfortable with, so why should I seek out brothers, when I know they can’t or won’t be what I need them to be for my own happiness.

  • texasladybird said:


    Found you via AverageBro. Love your blog and your sense of humor. Great stuff!

  • Qucifer said:

    Honestly for me in my case has been a true honest case of compatibility (tastes attitudes about life /backgrounds), mixed with I don’t want the dude with the baby mama/record, no serious conversation/ nasty habits/etc/etc etc and Otherman stepping up where Brotherman wouldn’t/hasn’t and actually coming and approaching me in a way that doesn’t physically/emotionally intimidates me or makes me feel like I’m going to be called a bitch if I don’t respond to the advances

    …then again I live in South Florida, home of the fuckery

  • Bonnie said:

    Whats up, Thembi!

    Just gave you and averagebro a shout out on my blog – wordonthemstreetsis.blogspot.com. Hope more people will discover your excellent site.

    Now to the issue at hand…

    I met my hubby when I was 14 in 1981. He is a year younger. Told his sister when I was in the 10th grade that I was going to marry him. Bet her $10.

    I went to college, he joined the army, we dated others but always kept in touch. He was stationed in Texas and would call me and tell me he was coming home. He lived around the corner from my house.

    The phone would ring at
    6:00 am two days later and it was him, fresh off the interstate and wanting to come by just to see me before going to his parents home and crashing. You best believe in the three minutes it would take him to get to my house, I washed up, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and had it together when he pulled up in the driveway. And literally we would talk for five minutes and he would leave.

    When he asked me to marry him, I asked him to make sure that he knew in his heart and mind that I was the one that he wanted to marry. I only plan to get married once. “Make sure that you understand that this is the only booty you would be looking at for the next fifty plus years”.

    I also asked that him to do three things -don’t lie to me, don’t hit me and don’t cheat on me. Period, point blank. I am not a high maintenance chick and I will take care of you and have your back. But if you lie, hit or cheat, we shall have a problem…

    On our wedding day, his sister handed me $10.00 and we laughed for 10 minutes.

    Now, 15 1/2 years later, we have three beautiful daughters and are headed for year 16 in January. I don’t really know if there is an answer to the question. I had the benefit of knowing my husband since high school. You have to understand what marriage is about and make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. I don’t think dating outside the race is an issue. You can have the same issues dating a white man.

    I think black love is still alive and kicking. My parents just celebrated their 45th anniversary, my sister has been married 22 years, my in-laws 46 years, my brother 10 years.

    Please don’t think that I said all of this to imply that black love is perfect. There are hills and valleys that you go thru. But it has been quite the ride. :)

    Hang in there, sister-girl! Although I remember and appreciate the jump-off days, the right man is out there for you and when the time is right, you will see him.

  • Luscious Librarian said:

    Just one short note.

    Be marriage minded and it will come. If marriage is what you want don’t kill time with the ‘otherman’.

    Marriage is lovely.

  • jazzfan360 said:

    I’ve got pretty much the same feeling on it as Qucifer, only from the male POV, though I also agree to an extent with Miss Gypsyeyes’ “preference” simile and being tired of people rolling their eyes even though they’ll really never stop doing it. If a black man states that he has a thing for Asian or Hispanic women, well, he’s just a normal guy, but if he has a thing for white girls, he’s demonized or…defective or something.

    Me, I almost *exclusively* liked black girls when I was just gettin’ into the ladies in my early youth, and tried with many. Yet now, in my mid-20s, I’ve ONLY ever dated white girls and am rarely attracted to black girls. I *love* black women in the most respectful of ways, but I am rarely attracted to them; there are, of course, exceptions like Dru’s daughter on Y&R, Corinne Bailey Rae and Alicia Keys, Clair Huxtable (my Ideal Black Queen), porn goddesses Tyra Moore and Gia LaShay, and of course Stacey Dash, possibly God’s most perfect creation and surely the black community’s equivalent of The Picture of Dorian Grey, but I digress.

    For my part, my guess has always been that something inside my subconscious gave up on black girls after a lot of REALLY horrible experiences with all the ones I liked as an adolescent. They treated me like less than dirt, because of things I couldn’t help–y’know…I “talked white” and knew things and listened to jazz and preferred clothes that fit. I think after too many instances of basically being shown that I couldn’t even get the respect due me as another human being, something in my head said “I’m SURE as hell done tryin to GET with you.” Well, that and maybe a tortured history with all the SERIOUSLY messed-up sistas in my screwed-up family.

    I’ve come far enough ’round the bend that I’m occasionally attracted to black girls these days and would totally date one if I met one who was right for me and interested (or was fine enough for just a jump-off), and I’ll tell you something…even though I know it’s VERY unlikely, somewhere inside I really feel this strong desire to marry black and, you know, “be right” and “keep it going” and live that Huxtable dream. But even to this day, at this age, I am STILL immediately written off by pretty much any black girl I approach, and am almost exclusively approached by black women ONLY when they have children, inevitably because they see me and think “Good daddy material.”

    It’s a fucked-up situation, but I’ve given up worrying about it because there’s clearly nothing I can do to change or improve things. All I’ve ever wanted or tried to do is be me and love women. And that’s what I’mma keep on doin…where I am appreciated.

  • Thembi said:

    Is there anything to the fact that all of the black women you pointed out are light/bright/indian style?
    Im just sayin.
    By the way since I have the mic with you, I praise the lord that you found my blog!

  • Ginneh Akbar said:

    Thembi, thanks for writing this post! I really needed to read it this week! Gave me a lot to think about.

  • Anonymous said:

    I would like to thank +(((+ B L A C K W H I T E M E E T. c o m +)))+for bringing a very close friend from 17 years ago. I never had the chance to express how I really felt. I had always watched her from afar, but due to Mutual friends it wouldn’t be right, but now we are planning to meet for new years eve. We have exchanged dozens of e-mails and phone calls. She now knows how I felt for her 17 years ago, And our future is as bright as ever.

  • blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said:

    Hey Thembi! {waves}

    Is there anything to the fact that all of the black women you pointed out are light/bright/indian style?
    Im just sayin.




    Now THAT was enough to make me fall on the floor!

    I am so glad you mentioned Nick and Valerie …they have been together since she was a teenager and there has NEVER been any drama in the press about their children or their relationship…they are solid as a rock, just like their hit song.

    Why do people hate on Will and Jada’s marriage?? They have three children….they are a lovely couple…I try to hope for the best for these couples…

    You didn’t mention Tina Turner and her boo…that European dude who is nearly 20 years younger…GO TINA! GO TINA!


  • THE 78' MS. J said:

    Yes black love is on the dying in need of help critically wounded list and I was thinking of starting a black love movement I got a title and everything for myself but…I hesitate because if the masses don’t want it then the purpose is defeated.

  • THE 78' MS. J said:

    Yes black love is on the dying in need of help critically wounded list and I was thinking of starting a black love movement I got a title and everything for myself but…I hesitate because if the masses don’t want it then the purpose is defeated.

  • jazzfan360 said:

    Is there anything to the fact that all of the black women you pointed out are light/bright/indian style?
    Im just sayin.


    I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about that. Had she occurred to me at the time, I’da thrown Sheryl Lee Ralph in the mix–dassa FINE woman. But believe me, most of the girls I liked early on (and, now that I think about it, most of the black girls I’ve hit on recently) are straight-up nubianesque sistas. Not that the result has ever been any different. And it ain’t like I’m not social or I ain’t got no game or somethin…I go out somewhere every single night, and I average at LEAST one date a week. I have a very good time. I just can’t pull black girls for some reason…never have. Even the ones I think are really interested end up not even taking my first call after I get the digits. Go figure. But, I’m not whining; like I said, I do just fine terrorizing the other races LOL.

    And I praise the Lord I found your blog, too…what greatness it is indeed. I got so involved in my first response that I forgot to say how much this post made me smile. (And how hard it made me laugh re: fixin a good plate LMAO!) I love that you broke down all the major issues and then found a famous example of triumph over those odds.

    Even looking past my own dating life, I do believe Black Love is in crisis. I of course don’t have any solutions for it, but I do hope our people get things worked out, because if it continues at this rate things are gonna end up REALLY bad. More and more it seems to me like most folks who achieve ANY small amount of success switch out to another race, and if that ends up being true, then that means only the hoodrats and the lip-smackin sistas will keep the race going, and then we got Darwinism workin against us on the REAL. It can’t go out like that. It can’t. Even if it doesn’t seem to be workin out for me, I have so much love and respect for that intangible phenomenon that is Black Love, in all its Anita-Baker-ballad glory. I hope we as a people can get beyond some petty sh*t and get things worked out.

  • Stacy said:

    i wonder the same thing myself! i used to watch Love Jones over and over and just knew that would be my love story– until reality hit.
    on the one hand, i have black male friends (therefore undateable) who are amazing– smart, college educated, gainfully employed, childless, and all around good people– on the other hand, when i see a cute, together black couple im always like “where the heck did she find him?!” they’re simply a rare breed.
    as someone currently dating the “otherman”, i guess i cant say too much. the thing is, Lord knows how hard it is to find a GOOD man nowadays, period. if you throw restrictions into the mix (be it race or what kind of car he drives) you just limit yourself and could end up missing out on a good (albeit unexpected) thing. i totally understand the desire to have a strong black husband and raise beautiful black babies, but at the end of the day, love is love and we’re blessed to have it, regardless of what package it comes in.

  • phx said:

    I just thought Bonnie’s story was the greatest thing I heard all day.
    White love, Black love, to make ANY romantic love work for the long haul requires two parties who BOTH are willing to make sacrifices. You can’t have it all, it’s not the Garden of Eden down here, but if you’re both givers and not takers, that’s a love not fade away. Might be wrong but I think everything else is doomed.

  • Lori said:

    Hmm. . . I think you stated “the problem” quite well when you put forth the following: “In short, laziness and the pursuit of superficial qualities keep many of us from being real and seeking real.”

    Bingo! Amen! And all of that! (smile) I also think your statement of “the problem’ is equally true of both male and female.

    I’m a college-educated Black woman who’s been married to a college-educated Black man for twenty-some years now (yup, “old school” in da house).

    Besides just plain ole maturity, in part, I think what it takes to sustain a long-term relationship is a daily/hourly/moment by moment commitment by both parties
    –to work together
    –to compromise
    –to sacrifice
    –to put forth your best effort
    –a willingness to take the good with the bad.

    Unfortunately, all of the aforementioned are ideas/concepts most folk under a certain age typically ain’t trying to hear (smile).

  • Mister Bachelor said:

    Lest we forget Angela Bassett dated Charles S. Dutton who of course had been to jail for killing someone. I’m telling you, unless you’ve been to jail and had sex with men, its hard to find a black woman.
    women like what they like
    I fully understand that you, your friends and women in your family are not like this. I am not talking about the 5% of you who dont. I am talking about the 95% you dont associate with.

  • LaJane Galt said:

    Compatability and a desire to grow together is what I want!! I don’t care what color it comes in.

  • KelleBelle said:

    Great post! Sorry it took me so long to comment.

    As a “nubianesque sister” myself, I always gave dudes (milk chocolate and darker) the side eye when I realized I was the 19th high yellur girl they had “gone with” that week in jr. high. Did they even like “me” or just my ability to pass as latina? They were sorely disappointed when they figured out I was “really” black. Sorry homey! Nothin’ but greens and the smell of Let’s Jam! in my hood.

    As I grew older I realized race would be a factor in my future life mate. Why? Because I don’t have time to be ‘splaining what a hot comb is nor why you shan’t put your fingers all up in my head. So really, it all comes down to hair.

    That and the “otherman” will never truly get Paul Mooney.

    Oh and you know ya girl KelleBelle done went through her throwaways whilst in Philly. But I had faith that I’d find my Mr…I just had to make it happen (ie. stop schlepping to the same lame joints a la Fuel! nor indulging fools that I know are definitely not nowhere near my potential Cliff H.) and be ready and willing to accept him when the time arose. :)

    So what I’m saying is… move! We can be roommates and blog back to back (literally).

  • Ehav Ever said:

    Living internationally, I have some what of a different persepective on this. I live in a society where people tend to marry younger than in America, and being married and having kids is more of the cool thing to be than when I lived in the states. There are even movements/organizations in various Jewish communities to get people married off.

    If your question is purely one in terms of only African Americans I think you will have to be more specific in terms of what is really gained or lost when marriage numbers don’t meet a certain mark.

    Is it simple two people with the certain skin tone married, or is it something more than that? Is an idea of HOW children who are products of the marriage are raised? Are the qualifers simply based on personal experience or are you basing it on actual numbers. I.e. statistics of from the past 200 years? Is the concern that if an African American marries a non-African American they are somehow lost to Africa America? Is the love you are speaking of still covered when an African American for example marries a native born Ethiopian?

    The way I look at it if people are getting married, then marriage of any type could never be in danger. Numbers are meaningless when there are more than 0 of a people doing a thing. If the concern is that African Americans loose something in a lack of numbers, that all depends on what one believes is actually being lost in the shuffle.

  • Wilma said:

    I think it’s silly to claim that white men are really that different in relationships. I’ve had many horrible white boyfriends, they’re not all that they’re made out to be, there are just more of them in the US so the odds of relationship-material being among them are increased significantly. #4. Playing Games vs. Having Game? The story of all my previous relationships with white men. I think it’s always more difficult for a woman with a university degree to find a good man, equality of the sexes does not quite fulfill its promise on that one.

  • Reginald Dorsey said:

    “Something has to be going on when I look at my male friends and they claim that the cool black female is a rare breed, and once they find one the situation is tenuous at best. Just what are the underlying issues behind all of this and how can we maintain faith in black love in the face of them?”

    The problem is that we’re a small community here that has become increasingly divided in terms of class and the prospect for upward mobility. In the last 35 years the black middle class and the black educated have increased alot. Those kinds of folks tend to want to couple with other folks who are in that same group. But because of our small size in this country, we have to really seek each other out. So anyone not living in the magnet areas like NYC, DC, ATL, North Philly (j/k, I love all my bredren and sistren “down nawf”) is having to comb through the scrubs and scrubettes.

    This is unique to us.

    Other minority groups are either largely succeeding within 2 generations of arriving here (most Asians), or largeley still low income/ less-educated (recent Central and South American arrivals ****AY, SANDUNGUERA!!! QUE PASA, MAMI!?!?!**** Either way, there’s not much of a huge class clash within those communities.

    As far as the tenuous relationships even after finding someone that matches your station in life. This is probably due to relationships nowadays being mostly about love/attraction. In the past, men and women desperately needed each other for basic survival. We were more rural, women had few valuable rights, men needed a family to work *his* farm. Mister needed someone, like Ceelie, to shave him, albeit quite tensely, from time to time. But all that ended with the civil rights movement. So now that neither gender is depending on the other just for basic survival, it’s all about someone giving you the warm tinglies. *That* shit’s infinitely more difficult to find. I’d venture to say that if our grandparents and great-grandparents were in it strictly for the love, some of us would be vanishing from photos like the McFly children in Back to the Future.

  • Ginneh Akbar said:

    I love you Reg! You are the shit!

  • Folk said:

    Great post and love your style to approach such a deep topic.

    I don’t think black love is dead. I do think love itself is in a crisis in America.

    As a good boy raised by grandparents, i’ve often had my sistas say to me that I was too good. I’ve even been overlooked because of my clean cut image for the brother that has that rough edge.

    Yes, that scared me. Yes, it pains me that we have let the BETism influence our culture to the point that we have put brothers who educate themselves and attempt to excel through legal means as second rate lovers.

    I’m a firm believe that love will find you regardless of where you try to hide.

  • jazzfan360 said:

    You ain’t right. I was watching an American Masters installment on Marvin Gaye tonight and they interviewed Nick and Valerie, and I could NOT stop laughing. And I had to come by here and let you know that you. ain’t. right. LOL

  • ms. bliss honeycomb said:


    to add my $.02, it seems that, as reg said, since we don’t NEED to get married anymore, the game’s infinitely more complicated.

    i don’t think i could attract a whiteboy if my life depended on it. and if one ever liked me, i never knew.

    on the other hand, i tend to attract (and let go of) the type of black men everyone wants.


    part of it has to do with not believing in lack. if i’m here, then so is my counterpart, period. some are temporary, others last a few years. hopefully i’ll find the one that’s permanent.

    in the meantime, i’m not going to put up with immaturity, insecurity, and a general lack of development. i don’t want to have to “shape” my mate, and since soooo many of us were not raised to be fully realized, competent, clear thinking, adult human beings (who has time for that w/ consumerism, oppression, racism, poverty, etc. and so on…), it can be easier to find a man with a steady gig and no kids than one who can clearly and fully express his emotions/desires/self.

    and, at the end of the day, that’s what i really need.

  • Anonymous said:


    Just so you know, Ossie and Ruby were in an open relationship for some time, but made the decision to be monogamous after sometime.


    Nice post btw :)

  • zu said:

    i love your blog…really interesting stuff. my reason for commenting is that i am in an interracial relationship with a black woman (i’m indian/pakistani…we goin on 2 years) and i could really connect with what you said regarding having reason to date outside your race. it should just happen, without any extra thought. i never thought, oh, i think i’ll date a black woman. it just happened. matter of fact, she almost tried to avoid it, and i understand why. but in response to your final question…hell no u shouldn’t settle for less…go for what’s best for you. just understand that the best can show up lookin like you least expected it.

  • Latasha said:

    Zu I think you’re right. As much as I might have talked about race and relationships, I can’t say I’ve ever gone into any thinking “oh…I think I’ll go for a (fill in race) guy.”

    I thought jazz360 (I think that’s his name) was too funny, talking about how the hoodrats will be left to carry on the race and Darwinism working against us. Stop.

  • Ashley Martinez said:

    Tina Turner offers a great vocal range and such powerful voice*.;

  • Thomas Morris said:

    Tina Turner is one of the living legends of music`-~

  • Bathroom Lighting  said:

    i kinda like the hair of Tina Turner, she has a great voice too:-“

  • INGAAS : said:

    tina turner is a living legend, she always makes great and powerful music-~-

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