"What The Eff?" Wednesday: …Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?
I know I’m late on this week’s “What The Eff?” but did you REALLY need to look at this foolishness yesterday as opposed to today?
PORT ST. LUCIE, FL — A man found with about two dozen “hot sausages” and beef snacks in his pants pockets over the weekend was arrested on theft and battery charges, according to police reports released Tuesday.
Jerry J. Boston, 23, is accused of stealing the Slim Jim sticks and “hot sausages” Saturday night from a gas station in the 3000 block of Southwest Port St. Lucie Boulevard.
Clerks told investigators that Boston, of the XXXX block of Southwest Mataro Avenue, went to the aisle where the products are kept and that they heard a “loud rustling like Jerry was stealing the meat products.” The clerks said Boston came to the counter to pay for a single hot sausage, but thought they spied “five more sticking out of his pants.”
A clerk who followed Boston out of the store told him to hand over the stolen meat products and they wouldn’t notify police. He returned five, though “not the rest that were still in his pants.”
Boston called the clerk a lesbian after she said she was going to call the police. Boston, who has gold teeth, said he was stealing the beef products because he had to feed his kids. At some point, Boston punched a man four times in the face near the gas station.
Police turned up 23 packages of Slim Jims and hot sausages valued at $25.27, in his pants pockets.
Thembi Says: The judgement-laced sentence “Boston, who has gold teeth, said he was stealing the beef products because he had to feed his kids,” is one of those “gotcha!” moments that make me hope I go to White Heaven when I die. Not only did this fool get caught in a mugshot looking like a runaway slave on the down-low, but all over some mechanically separated pork products? Slim Jims are as low in nutritional value as they are in street value so I know he wasn’t really trying to feed any kids. I smell crack and undiagnosed mental illness behind this incident. Oh yeah, and Florida.