Home » Japanese People, What the Eff?

"What The Eff?" Wednesday: Work It Out

Thembi Ford 23 July 2008 6 Comments

I have gotten so lazy. Things have come to the point where I see friends who are personal trainers and they berate me, I imagine being trampled in stampedes resulting from terrorist attacks instead of the actual terror attack itself, and I’ve called Bally’s for the early opt-out option and the deal just doesn’t sound good enough to donate my money to them knowing I won’t ever go. I swear I’ve tried everything under the sun to get me interested in working out but nothing has stuck. So today I’m revisiting this exercise thing, hoping that I find stuff weird enough to justify my laze.

Cardioke

I used to be all about Tae-Bo, so I can’t help but be slightly intrigued by Billy Blanks Jr. and his Cardioke workout. Thanks to the fact that I rarely experience embarrassment, I love karaoke and have certainly done my share. In fact, Sharon Blanks is kind of familiar in that Pocket Songs Karaoke type of way. However, I’ve failed at enough fitness programs to remember the fact that if you have enough breath control to sing you’re not working hard enough, so I’m skeptical about how this particular approach could work in the long run. I’m also skeptical about how this Roger Guenveur Smith look-alike can be Billy Blanks’ son. What is his mother, some skintone between octoroon and iridescent? Overall Verdict: I can look and sound ridiculous without wearing out the elastic on my sports bra, thank you very much.

Crunches

My stomach is my problem area so I’m tempted to try it, but the real issue for me here, aside from being rather upset by this bandana’d douchebag, is my unholy backfat. Backfat is that region above bootymeat, which lies right above thunderthigh, and if I could do a backwards crunch like this freak then perhaps I wouldn’t have any. In fact the average angle formed by the blackgirl bootymeat/backfat plane is probably 110º, and even less for those of us fortunate enough to have a real dunkie. Overall Verdict: Physically impossible due to junk in trunk.

Ghetto Workout

The magic moment of this homothug promo video comes at around the 1:00 mark, where our host informs us that because many of these dudes have been incarcerated, they know how to make do with whatever is at hand to get in a good workout. I’ve spent my life trying avoid anything prison-related, so unless you’re about to tell me that doing pull-ups on lampposts and such is going to give me Angela Bassett arms overnight, I can pass without reservation. Ladies, this sho l’aint no way to meet men, but the video isn’t half bad to watch with the sound off. As much as I love a good prison bicep, this is some hood nonsense. Overall Verdict: My airbrushed nails are my only form of street cred, and The Ghetto Workout looks like an easy way to break one, meaning the only true exercise here is one of futility. Philosophical problems with the reverence shown to “prison muscles” also noted.

Japanese Calisthenics

Japanese women are so cute and tiny. I swear that when I was in Japan I felt like I was in Gulliver’s travels when confronted with every toilet seat and tight squeeze. Learning English and staying fit are both essentials in today’s Global Economy, but do me a favor and review the phrases that these women are practicing. Kind of makes you wonder what they think it’s like over here hunh? Just give me until about 1:15, when they start chanting “Take Anything You Want,” and “Spare Me My Life.” Then you can go about your day. Overall Verdict: I’d actually be down for getting a light workout in while learning a few phrases in Japanese.

Bonus: Poodle Workout

I just had to leave you with one extra “What The Eff?”. Much like my aversion to exercise, I won’t bother justifying it any further.

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6 Comments »

  • KelleBelle said:

    First, let me just say I am thrilled you are re-visiting the exercise thing. I have to say it is easier to be an exercise freak out here on the west coast due to the weather, my proximity to the beach, and just being around hella fit people (for the record, I’d still prefer a cute face and extra meat to these skinny broads with fug mugs…but I digress).

    Anywho, one thing I miss about my exercise regime in Philly is Cardio Striptease! You can satisfy your secret desire to make it rain and also get an adequate workout. You’ll need to fit in more cardio to really burn calories, which is where a copy of “Darren’s Dance Moves” comes in handy. You see how all those Dancing with the Stars jerks get ridiculously fit while doing the show…

    Meanwhile, there’s another activity that is lots of fun and you burn up to 1000 calories an hour. Hint: it requires a partner! =)

    ps: Isn’t there some uber hood gym near your spot where like dudes go in with work boots and jeans and essentially recreate the prison workout routine you posted?

    # 23 July 2008 at 11:29 am
  • Lola Gets said:

    Speaking of interesting “fitness” classes, Id love to take a pole dancing one, and Im also thinking about taking one in burlesque dancing. Neato, huh??
    :)

    L

    # 23 July 2008 at 5:43 pm
  • Undercover Black Man said:

    Girl, you’re scratching me where I itch with the Japanese weirdness! :^D

    # 23 July 2008 at 8:30 pm
  • AverageBro said:

    Classic WWTD.

    Sorry, but that Gangstacilous ghetto workout was really teh ghey. Look around the 1:23 mark.

    And what’s with the narrator in the yellow shirt. He sounds like he’s wistfully recalling his days at Rikers.

    The only thing missing is dropped soap.

    # 24 July 2008 at 10:20 am
  • Qucifer said:

    GREAT now I’m going to have nightmares involving Homo thugs and poodle people… just. great

    # 25 July 2008 at 9:59 am
  • Ehav Ever said:

    That Japanese workout may actually be effective when being robbed. I think any mugger who experienced someone doing that workout while saying “Take Anything You Want” and “Spare My Life” may be utterly confused. I also like the lets go dutch workout. Leave it to the Japanese to come up with weird ways to mimic what they think America is like.

    # 26 July 2008 at 1:11 pm

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