"What The Eff?" Wednesday: Online Dating
I’m pushing thirty, I’m single, and I spend most of my time at a computer. Is it any wonder that I’ve dabbled in online dating? The sad thing is that 90% of what I encountered was sheer nonsense. It wasn’t all bad but I’ve decided to unsubscribe and never look back. It wasn’t because I lack the patience to get to know someone online, it was because of the repeated and unsolicited “flirt” and “wink” messages that I’d get from random men who clearly hadn’t even read my profile. I felt sorry for some of them but most of them were ridiculous or even mean when I ignored their messages. It was just too depressing to look through all of them everyday, so please bear with me through some the more abysmal examples.
This dude is a perfect example of the type I apparently attract: over 50, with a handful of kids, and a fashion sense straight out of 1987. I wonder if his Stoney Jackson hair is meant to help him carry off the hat, or if the hat is what’s controlling his luscious waves. Best part of his profile: “I love sports, fishing, danceing [sic].”
The other type that just loves me is old heads who wanna be my daddy. This makes sense since, although my profile specified that I am not looking for a man with children, this father of four messaged me repeatedly. Does he think that by posing in the Valentine’s Day aisle I’ll be fooled into thinking I’m about to be showered with gifts? I hope this is not your dad. The highlight of his profile was: “Let’s hold hands, and kiss where ever we may be, should that kissing bug strike. Let’s touch, should that touching bug strike.”
I’m cute but not all hype and fly. I certainly don’t look like the type to accompany this dude to the club, who clearly took his own photo off of one of those party photo websites. Is one of those bottles supposed to be for me or is he just stuntin’ for stuntin’s sake?
Not sure what to say about this one because I’m overwhelmed by the romance of that rose, his wistful pose, and the sight of it all through some sort of gigantic goblet. Oh yes, and perhaps due to limited English skills, to the profile question “What are you looking for in a partner?” he answered “platonic.”
I am so not into pleats or anything else about this photo, so when this man messaged me I just ignored it. Three messages later I still didn’t answer, so he wrote me a final message that said “FINE. YOU NOT ALL THAT.” I guess I’m not…