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"What The Eff?" Wednesday: Online Dating

27 August 2008 14 Comments

I’m pushing thirty, I’m single, and I spend most of my time at a computer. Is it any wonder that I’ve dabbled in online dating? The sad thing is that 90% of what I encountered was sheer nonsense. It wasn’t all bad but I’ve decided to unsubscribe and never look back. It wasn’t because I lack the patience to get to know someone online, it was because of the repeated and unsolicited “flirt” and “wink” messages that I’d get from random men who clearly hadn’t even read my profile. I felt sorry for some of them but most of them were ridiculous or even mean when I ignored their messages. It was just too depressing to look through all of them everyday, so please bear with me through some the more abysmal examples.

This dude is a perfect example of the type I apparently attract: over 50, with a handful of kids, and a fashion sense straight out of 1987. I wonder if his Stoney Jackson hair is meant to help him carry off the hat, or if the hat is what’s controlling his luscious waves. Best part of his profile: “I love sports, fishing, danceing [sic].”

The other type that just loves me is old heads who wanna be my daddy. This makes sense since, although my profile specified that I am not looking for a man with children, this father of four messaged me repeatedly. Does he think that by posing in the Valentine’s Day aisle I’ll be fooled into thinking I’m about to be showered with gifts? I hope this is not your dad. The highlight of his profile was: “Let’s hold hands, and kiss where ever we may be, should that kissing bug strike. Let’s touch, should that touching bug strike.”

I’m cute but not all hype and fly. I certainly don’t look like the type to accompany this dude to the club, who clearly took his own photo off of one of those party photo websites. Is one of those bottles supposed to be for me or is he just stuntin’ for stuntin’s sake?

Not sure what to say about this one because I’m overwhelmed by the romance of that rose, his wistful pose, and the sight of it all through some sort of gigantic goblet. Oh yes, and perhaps due to limited English skills, to the profile question “What are you looking for in a partner?” he answered “platonic.”

I am so not into pleats or anything else about this photo, so when this man messaged me I just ignored it. Three messages later I still didn’t answer, so he wrote me a final message that said “FINE. YOU NOT ALL THAT.” I guess I’m not…


  • Frances said:

    Oh Thembi … I am so sorry…

  • otilia said:

    THAT TOUCHING BUG?!! thembi, i am billing you next time i fall off my bed laughing.

  • Miss Gypsy Eyes said:

    Wow! With all of this to choose from, it’s a wonder why there are any single women left on the planet. *rolls eyes* The 70’s and 80’s called, they want their pictures back.

  • mofo said:

    I can’t believe you were able to resist all those fine men. I am so jealous. I usually get the toothless ones who smile reaaaaal big.

  • pjazzypar said:

    This is hilarious. I am too through!

  • Treina said:

    Oh thembi…I laugh because, sadly, I can relate. I’ve actually met some decent guys online, but the ones who walk up to me on the street…Lord have mercy. It’s always the old crusty, wanna-be sugar daddy ones!

  • (fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik] said:

    hmmm…you’d die if I showed you some photos of men I’ve received..lol

  • Gigi said:

    Girl, I feel your pain…this is horrendous and so is the club guy’s shirt!!!

  • jazzfan360 said:

    LMAO the marketing of that Valentine’s aisle photo. That is just TOO much. I love that he put that much thought into it though. That’s somethin else.

    I…..like…..ta DIED when I saw Chris Rock in that goblet. Read the transcript of this SNL sketch and you’ll understand. Oh my goodness.

  • Sherri said:

    I know this post is old but it’s new to me (as is your site) and I can’t stop laughing…those pictures are extremely ridiculous in every way! To think I was thinking about trying online dating. O. VER. IT.

  • andieeast said:

    Wow, to think, I thought I was jealous of missing out on online dating. Thank you so much for sharing.

  • siditty said:

    I’m just sorry. I didn’t know it was this tough out there. I’m dead at the pleated pants and jheri curl man copping an attitude.

  • Moni said:

    I know this is an old post, but I have just come across your blog. This has to be the funniest thing I have ever read! Ooh, I don’t blame you for being too through!

  • Nadia said:

    Amen! I have tried myself and like you I have recently unsubscribed and do not plan on looking back. On the other hand, the “main stream media” has become aware of the “plight of black single women”. They even had Steve Harvey has a relationship expert. His advise, go for older men. SMH.


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