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Signs and Wonders

4 December 2008 7 Comments

I feel like a domestically-abused sharecropper today. The last 24 hours of my life have been THE PITS.

First of all, my job is working my last strong nerve. I really do like and respect most of the people I work with, which is a real switch for me because y’all know I think I’m smarter than everyone else. But spending an hour in the car each way just to sit in this torture chamber they call a cubicle is really making me feel crazy. Part of the anxiety comes from the isolation, part of it comes from the fact that I have no door to close, which means anyone who decides they want a little Thembi in their lives can just pop on in and start rappin’ about any old this n’ that random mess that I sure do not care about! This one man comes over here at least monthly to make a song out of my name and sing it to me. This one woman wants to come in here and ask me about my hair and clothes at least weekly (yes, the same one who put her white hand in my hair). I didn’t mention that she has this bleached mustache that is SO thick I swear it looks like Ron Burgundy gone on a Jolene Creme bleachin’ binge. Lady, we see it. The sands of time have shifted. It’s time to start waxing.

Last night I come into my apartment building and learn that one of the other tenants subscribes to some weird hunting magazine. I live in Center City Philadelphia, so there isn’t much opportunity for huntin’. Pennsylvania even went blue this year, and here I am sharing a hallway with someone who probably has a hunting rifle in his crib. Skeevy! I’m absolutely anti-gun but I’m also pro-privacy, so of course I didn’t leaf through the magazine to learn just how radical a rag it was. You know who are not pro-privacy? Google and Facebook. I have always used Google’s sidebar ads as a barometer for whether or not I’m totally pathetic in the chats or emails I’m sending. For example, if I open a Google Chat between me and one of my girls and the sidebar ads are all like “How To Understand Men” or “Finding Love Online” I get rather sad. Facebook is even worse, because it shows me MAD ads about interracial dating. Maybe I do stalk a few whiteboys on Facebook (as is my right!), but can they at least try to lead me to the brothers instead of showing me MORE ads for Oprah’s Acai Berry Diet? And how do they I know I need to lose weight for that matter?

Yeah, thats supposed to be me up there. I’m depressed enough about the cold weather that I may go to a tanning booth, because the only thing beachy about my life is that I feel like a beached whale. Recent weight gain, I have realized, has led to sleep apnea, which is a self diagnosis but I’m pretty sure thats what I have. The Jumpoff(s) say I snore like a brute, I’ve even woken myself up with my own snoring as of late, I’ve woken up more tired than when I went to bed, and I keep oversleeping. This morning I overslept, and part of that is due to the fact that an overly aggressive Korean client has my cell phone number and really doesn’t care that the time difference means that his calling me at a time that’s convenient for him translates to 6 AM in my world. So, I came downstairs late and got a parking ticket on my car, which I obviously cannot afford. That recession-based logic did not apply to my need for an Everything Bagel with Whitefish salad on it and a medium coffee at the local bagel shop, which I promptly put on my credit card just to lift my spirits. But please draw your attention toward the amount on the receipt:

$6.66? Are you freaking serious? Now, this would be pretty ridiculous on it’s own, but let me tell you about my microwave. I did, in fact, keep it in the trunk of my car for a few months so I’m sure that it’s worse for wear, but a few weeks ago it started beeping on its own and displaying one six, another six, and then a third six. Then it beeps a bunch of times and finally displays a fourth six. That’s not exactly 666, but we are talking about sixes here, not eights, not zeros.

Looks like the mark of the beast is really my number lately, hunh?

Please recommend solutions to any of the above problems or just complain about your own ridiculous life in the comments section.


  • nanc said:

    my advice? move to la asap! 😀
    i luv u!

  • Aida said:

    1. i always get the sidebar about oprah’s acai berry diet, too. i think it’s arbitrary.
    2. sleep trouble is no good, but i’ve always found snoring charming.
    3. i have a spare microwave this year (there’s a built-in one in my kitchen, which makes my regular one extraneous) and you’re welcome to use it til i move if you want to.
    4. hope tomorrow’s better.
    5. i’m back in philly for a few weeks; we should get together. xo

  • blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said:

    Hey there Thembi!

    Chile you really put it out there!

    It sounds like you are feeling some depression…not just weariness. Weariness doesn’t lead to a repetitive pattern of oversleeping, which points more to depression. (No, this is not psychobabble! I went online.)

    Overeating is often tied to depression and stress for black women. It is a way that black women attempt to self-nurture…through comfort foods.

    Don’t beat yourself up about your weight. You don’t have to add a strict diet to the “to do” list when this is the holidays and food will be at every festivity.

    What I do is that I make sure that one hour before I go that I have a bowl of canned stew or chunky soup prior to attending these events and I drink a full liter of water. Yessss. It fills the stomach.

    This way, I get to the event and I may have a little of this or that on my plate but I don’t eat up the entire buffet table.

    If there is ONE thing that you know you should eliminate in your eating pattern, just choose one thing this week. Next week, keep that one thing and add one more. This is better than dieting.

    As for the interruptions at work…I got rid of that problem by getting big head phones. I would put them on my head (even if there was no music playing). I had a sign posted that said, “Please do not disturb ne when my ear phones are on.”

    It was a red circle with a line through it, you know? (smiles)

    Gurrrrrrl…those ear phones would be ON ALL DAY and half of the time there would be no music playing!! People would send me an email from their cube but would NOT come to my cube!

    Now…the lady with the bleached mustache…gurrrrl…go buy her a jar of microwave wax and ANONYMOUSLY leave it on her desk with a typed note “From Santa”.



    One thing that may help with the snoring…I have heard but can not CONFIRM… is to get one of those weird shaped pillows that they advertise online. They are supposed to help!

    Maybe I said something that is helpful…

    Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!

  • Phil said:

    shut up and dance.

  • Boris said:

    ahahaha i hear yah. sometimes white people 24/7 can drive u insane

    lol ur not the only one with relationship problems, urgh why cant i meet someone with some intelligence and class, urghhh no really lol

    and for those 666 numbers. u need to get reverend x(black preacher on youtube) he will come in the name of jesus by the power of the holy spirit(biiiooaaattcchhh lolz) and crip walk on that demon microwave

    …………..hey isn’t ptamon(sp) single, try talkin to him lol

  • Antonio said:

    My advice on the annoying coworkers: bring an iPod/CD player/other MP3 player and some headphones. It’s a great barrier and you can jam out to a good tune when you feel down in the middle of the day.

    Sorry to hear things have been rough, this time of the year can be crazy. Stay strong!

  • Donajanaina said:

    I just stumbled across your website. You are too too funny.

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