I wasn’t big into the show Jackass but they really had a great concept: put together a bunch of whiteboys and eventually someone will either chose to or be dared to do some ridiculous stunt. This happens among groups of most men, but never with the intensity, ridiculousness, and brash daring that it happens among whiteboys. Their inability (or perhaps refusal) to reach the logical conclusion that certain actions will cause pain is one of the last remaining racial divides; while far from a universal trait the foolish stunt is almost exclusive to whiteboys alone and always has been. One day I’ll dig deeper and draw parallels between this phenomenon and Christopher Columbus’ discovery of the New World, but for now check out some examples of things only a whiteboy would do.

Meet Gavin. He’s your average white boy and likes to do white boy things. Watch him eat one of the world’s hottest peppers all the while schooling us, with the wisdom of the ages, on every nuanced tingle of having crazy hot fire in your mouth.

After the pain subsided he noted on his website that “this did not go well. I think I might be allergic to them.” Allergic?!?! You just ate the hottest pepper known to man like you were poppin’ Tic Tacs. That’s the central issue here, Gavin. Nothing else.

Now here comes this fool. What in the name of Evil Knievel would make you smoke a firecracker? What do you think is about to happen?

That is definitely something only a white boy would do because if it doesn’t have that refreshing minty menthol flavor Negroes ain’t smokin’ it.

I have always wanted to know how to spin a pen between my fingers like this and it totally figures that some Russian office dude would have it all down pat. I bet hes great at chess too. Watch how dumb he suddenly gets when his pen trick goes awry.

Electricity = ouch. Got it?

I saw a mouse in my tiny little apartment the other day. After screaming like the delicate flower that I am I suddenly got sad because I realized that I would have to hunt down the vermin and kill it. I really hate mousetraps and glue traps and anything involving trappin’ and huntin’ in general, but the place ain’t built for two so he’s gotta go. Anyway, my disdain for mousetraps is not shared by the “Random Acts of Stupidity” crew, whose…ahem…intimacy with the mousetrap knows no limit.

I think I’ve spoken enough on this matter. Whiteboys of the world, Thembi still loves ya.