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Old School Friday: This Song Should Never Have Been Made!

24 April 2009 13 Comments

This week’s theme is creative and disturbing just like I like it. It took me a while to think of old school songs that had no business ever coming out because like any good oldhead I like to pretend that every song that came out before “The Stanky Leg,” and other such nonsense was pure gold. It wasn’t.

I can think of a few good reasons a song shouldn’t be made: crappy and shallow lyrics, a video with NO stylist or wardrobe budget, and a track that sounds just like a song by another more popular artist that was released at the same time. Oh, and a really corny group name. “Tell Me (I’ll Be Around)” by Shades is a 1996 r&B jam guilty on all counts. My seventeen year old self had some nerve singing along to any song talking about some “what car do you drive? how much money do you make?” and this fly-by-night group had even more nerve releasing a song that sounds just like L.L. Cool J’s “Loungin,” regardless of who came up with it first. (both sample “Who Do You Love?” by Bernard Wright). I have to admit that it’s catchy, though.

It takes a lot of hubris to believe that your contribution to the urban slang lexicon is necessary, and Pressha demonstrated said hubris when he released “Splackavellie.” Not only are the expressions “jump off,” and “side jawn,” exponentially preferable to a word that sounds like the name of the school bully on a Nickelodeon sitcom, but the little girl talk session at the start of the video just doesn’t do enough to introduce such a ridiculous word to the world. This video features Shemar Moore and Mari Morrow, reminding us all why light-skinned went out of style.

Something for The People has always been so ridiculous to me and took the cake with “My Love is the SHH!” in 1997. I wish back then I could have known that the male lead of this group would give birth to T-Pain, but above anything else this joint is just embarrassing. You can’t curse on the radio and being slick about it just calls attention to how cheesily raunchy the whole affair is. Strangely enough, I’ve never seen as many homegrown YouTube version of any song as I found when I looked up this one.

Before you go, let me know in the comments some old school songs (before 1999) that you think should never have been made, and I will list links to the videos. So far we have:

SYLK E. FYNE “Romeo & Juliet” – My spell checker is on fire with a name like that.

Lil’ Troy – “Wanna Be A Baller” – Like, are y’all serious?

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  • ASmith said:

    I dont’ remember the first song, but you know “Splackavellie” was the first song to spell something. Sure it wasn’t spelling a real word, but hey… we get it how we get it. I remember my older friends with cars bumping that song TOUGH in their (wannabe) jeeps. WHOO…

    Somethin’ For the People were just too ahead of their time. Had they waited until like 2002, they could’ve gotten it in. Folks weren’t ready for them OR Silk E Fyne http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaNMAlt4IjQ

    Good post, Thembi.

  • eby said:

    If Splackavellie came out today, I’d be calling it all kinds of foolishness. But I actually remember singing along to this in middle school when it came out :) I don’t remember this horrible video though!

    Didn’t have cable in ’98, so this is my first time seeing the My Love is the Shh video too. The corny videos actually make the songs worse

  • tiffmo said:

    HAHAHA. I just found your blog through google reader and this post made me so happy that I subscribed. I had completely forgotten about the next level ridiculousness of Pressha and his Splackavellie joint. Like, for real? you couldn’t come up with a better name for your side lover?

  • ASmith said:

    LOL @ tiffmo. “Like, for real? you couldn’t ocme up with a better name for your side lover?” AGREED. Why did it have to be all extra like you could actually say “he’s my Splackavellie” and no one would know. Baby, bye! Good one.

  • Marvalus said:



  • Woe said:

    I remember every last one of these songs. Hahaha, middle school all the way for me. For the exception of the Sylk E. Fine track, these songs were nothing but popular back in their day, especially “Splackavellie”.

    Lets talk about the word “Splackavellie” for a second, hahahaha. My guess is that “Splackavellie” is supposed to be a portmanteau for the word “Splack”(Miami slang, meaning either to “take/steal” or, engage in sexual intercourse), and 2Pac’s pseudonym “Makaveli”…….LOL.

  • Thembi (author) said:

    Woe, I adore you for using the word “portmanteau.” I wikipedia’d it and you’re 100 pct correct.

  • Missy said:

    I followed your link and in “Wanna Be a Balla” did he REALLY say we were on free lunch together? ROFL!!! I didn’t make it too far past that ’cause…yeah.

  • Missy said:

    Oh yeah…Doo Doo Brown should not have EVER been even thought of…just all kinds of wrong!

  • Bonnie said:

    OK, is it just me or does Pressha remind you of a brownie?

  • Thembi (author) said:

    Do you mean like a chocolate brownie? I’m over here cracking up because he does look like some type of cafeteria dessert!

  • Phi Sister said:

    OMG! That whole video for that song “Tell Me” by Shades, the whole thing was filmed in my stomping ground South Beach! LOL! And it’s so funny how I thought it was cute in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL to sing ALL of these songs! WOW! And we walk around critizing Soulja Boy…but I do have to admit, even today’s “junk music” is just not as good (or as funny to look back on) as ours.

  • Thembi (author) said:

    Phi sister, I am mad at you for being a good 8 years younger than I am and STILL remembering the corniness that was Shades! Bravo.

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