Home » Feel Smarter, Hair Freaks, Haterade, Long Live the Colored Race!, Miscegenation, Not Racist Cuz It's True., Our Shame, That Not-So-Fresh Feeling, Yipes!

Celebrity Status: Five Truths About Wild Weaves

1 June 2009 21 Comments

If there is one thing I stand for, it’s the extra-special zeal with which black women tend to our hair. There’s something so uniquely black female about waking up one morning bald-headed as an egg, stopping at the beauty supply store for some goods, going to your favorite salon, and exiting with a head of hair to rival some sort of Rainbow Brite Rapunzel by the end of the very same day. Only black women can do it, and that’s something worth loving. But I just stumbled upon something that takes all too far. WAY, way too far: the incomprehensible weave eyebrow.

I guess she epitomizes the phrase “one track mind” (pause).

I’ve heard these weave brows compared to pipe cleaners, puffy paint, and caterpillars, which are all perfect. I’m personally reminded of those mustaches that come attached to glasses with fake noses on them. But I need to add a few things, primarily that the word “eyebras,” never was and never will be a real word, and I can’t take black folks saying it over and over. I also can’t take the interviewer’s tone of voice; he sounds like he’s mocking her but isn’t. At all. The truth is, he is Seaborn, the creator of the weave brow and owner of the Miami salon Celebrity Status. I did a little research just to see what else the salon Celebrity Status offers because weave eyebrows could ONLY be the very beginning. My little adventure through his YouTube channel yielded five very important truths about wild weaves that should from now on be accepted as fact.

1) If you do certain things with your appearance you MUST be unemployed.
That’s ok, because so many people are out of work these days and most of them don’t have weaved on eyebrows holding them back in the job search process. What kind of job would allow you to show up in this masterpiece, for example?

2) If you have wild tattoos and piercings you can and SHOULD get wild hair also. Our girl Haiti knows what time it is:

Both Haiti and the interviewer are STUNTIN’ in this particular video with their constant and magically unscripted amazement and just how hot her pink-brimmed pineapple cocktail hairstyle is! I guess if you have a strawberry (or is it a cherry?) tattooed in-between your boobies you have to keep upping the ante style-wise, and hair show hair on a daily basis must be the best and only way to do so. At this point in my investigation I realized that Seaborn is extremely talented, albeit in that creator-of-the-atomic-bomb kind of way. Even he notes on his YouTube channel that this time he “tryed (sic) something different.”

3) There is always at least one person who will be fake from head to toe. People assume that weave-wearers are big phonies, but I have to argue that people like this misguided bottom-heavy broad are in the minority. Notice how I chose not to commit to a gender-specific pronoun for this example.

Yes, I saw that butt and no I don’t have anything to say about that. Yes, I heard this person say that being called black was an insult and again, I have nothing to say. Nothing.

4) There is always someone who uses the fact that she just got a fresh weave to add to her list of reasons why she is better than everyone else. This one straddles the line between “want” and “do not want,” but as soon as homegirl starts talking I get that not-so-fresh feeling.

I love how when she shakes her head the area around the part does not move. And this chick is feeling herself so hard that her obnoxious behavior is enough to explain why there’s never really been enough room for both Tia AND Tamera Mowry in Hollywood. Yes it is a light-skinned thing, and this young lady strikes a serious blow against the eradication of colorism in the black community by reminding us all why the tragic mulatto stereotype exists.

5) The synthetic and human hair markets MUST be recession-proof. It doesn’t seem to matter how deep in the toilet this economy goes, hair is still flying off of the shelves. I dont understand why none of Obama’s fancypants economic indicators have concluded that GM should give free packs of Yaki away with their cars to stay out of bankruptcy because it really could work. As you watch this video, remember that hair is not free.

But there’s more. Economically speaking, one has to take color into account. If you wear green and orange and all types of color hair, you’ll need clothes and baubles to match, right? All of this leads to more SPENDING which is just what we need. Plus, she’ll definitely have to spend another $150 in six weeks to get a new bushel of hair, and if that ain’t a stimulated economy I don’t know what is.

THAT is Celebrity Status.

21 Comments »

  • Tafari said:

    I watched these videos the other week courtesy of our girl @dopefreshgirl on Twitter. I was out done. The only job that a woman with weaved eyebrows, massive tatts & only an ass that Bishop Don Jaun can love has to be hoe hoping at the Playa’s club.

    For real, where can you go outside of the hood stripe club with a “mohulk?” we have to give the weave master props though, cuz he has these hoes coming back for that synthetic hotness!

    Im just saying!

  • Cynthia said:

    LOVE It! LOL

  • Naturally Alise said:

    Celebrity Seaborn is delivery driver for Satan… I peeped these vids a while back and anytime I am feeling a little down the lacefront eyebrows give me life… you hear me? LIFE!!!

  • MsLindiwe said:

    Thembi,
    When you write stuff like, “Yes it is a light-skinned thing, and this young lady strikes a serious blow against the eradication of colorism in the black community by reminding us all why the tragic mulatto stereotype exists,” you make me want to claim you as a member of my family. Seriously, you make my head hurt, Thembi. In a good way.

  • Lola said:

    My people…my people 😕

  • Another Day on Earth said:

    <a href=” The interviewer cracks me up. He knows just what to say and how to say it to make Haiti, et al, feel good about getting their hair “did.”” As Haiti would say, “yes, he do.”

  • Janet said:

    What exactly is the tragic mulatto?

  • Thembi (author) said:

    @Janet
    The “tragic mulatto” is the bi-racial person who’s a mess because they don’t fit in either the black or white world. It’s an old school myth but holdover from slavery – mixed people can be ‘tragic’ because they want to pass for white, are ‘different’ but not white enough, and are basically out of place in a society defined by race. If you saw Imitation of Life, Sarah Jane is a perfect example.

  • Janet said:

    Ahhh. I see. I take it that dark-skinned blacks can’t garner much sympathy for this so-called tragic persona. This makes me think of Mariah Carey boo hooing on camera because she didn’t fit in.

  • ill Mami said:

    My God.

    I am equally appalled AND fascinated, like how I used to be when I would go get my hair “did” by the Senegalese on 125th Street.

    And THAT is why Black culture is fascinating to everyone else, including us.

    :-/

  • Chi-Chi said:

    Well…yaki hair probably wouldn’t get those cars sold.
    But some good Remy Indian stuff might.

    And seaborn needs to cease and desist immediately. This is not okay.

  • Zuri said:

    Yo, really, what’s up with that butt?

  • Ginneh said:

    Why is this the first time I am seeing this??? I can’t stop laughing. And crying.

  • sue said:

    i love celebrityseaborne. i think he s fab and very tallented.im inspired by his creativity and hope i can be as good as him one day.

  • ms 305 said:

    He did my hair a few times and it was really nice.My husband really liked my hair and kept giving me money to go back.I know some of them girls and they are strippers, prostitutes and shemales. One is a video girl and a model. He put some of the most over the top hair styles on myspace. I don’t know why he did that but he did. He really knows how to do hair way better than the video he posted. And you are right they don’t have offices jobs but they work trust me.

  • Ryan S. said:

    Thembi you make great points,however lets be honest. Seaborn is extremely talented&creative(& paid).People are so judgemental! If they dont do it,feel it,or wear it(& some1 else does),it must not be okay. Any way,you have to appreciate diversity&give props where they are due. How boring would this world be if every1 were the same!?

  • Nesha said:

    I like Seaborn~ he moved from my state to the state he is currently residing in to make more money. Which was a smart move my state is more conservative. Also he has over 400 vids up, translate that into cash. I don’t knock the hustle bc he is really talented and has some nice tame do’s (yes I said do’s) that the average, working woman can wear.
    However, I do appreciate your thoughts and where you are coming from. :)

  • Nisha said:

    Yes…Seaborn does have some outrageous hairstyles but hey, he’s good at what he does…and you have to realize that some of their do’s are probably just for show or hair shows maybe…and dont dog Seaborn too bad because he does have some classy hairstyles that are suitable for everyday wear. He’s making money too. Just ONE of his tutorial videos are 100 dollars….and Haiti once paid 613 dollars for a do…homeboy’s caked up lol

  • Tangela said:

    it’s called fun life laugh and enjoy your life it’s not how none make their moneys to pay for it none of those stereotypes should be of anyone’s concerns let un-harmful ppl do them while their here bc if your not allowing ppl whose not offending themselves or others do them then how much time do that leave yourselves to do and be you… when someone shows you who they are believe them i am going to add this their all themselves and i am proud to be a fan of Seaborn’s and of Haiti’s too nobody should be bad talking about none of these ppl period!! it’s not about opinions it’s only about is it fun looks to do or harmful…. IT’S JUST GOOD CLEAN FUN LOOKS to do

  • Cyndi said:

    I would like to purchase some of those videos. i love all of your work, you are the best to me and i want to purchase the videos, and if you could send the info on how to purchase the videos on my email address. i would really be thankful. again i love your work and i wish you the best of success and God Bless you. Seaborn you have made me so happy just to look at your work I love you baby.

    thanks

    Cyndi

  • la la cat said:

    wow seaborn even make any body look good misfit and haitia and von queen b the bomb

So what do you think? Please be respectful to other readers!

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. You can also subscribe to these comments via RSS.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

This is a Gravatar-enabled weblog. To get your own globally-recognized-avatar, please register at Gravatar.