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“What The Eff?” Wednesday: Crazy Critters!

10 June 2009 9 Comments
I would just have to kill myself. Real talk.
I would just have to kill myself. Real talk.

My current landlord (who could never be worse than my last one), keeps trying to out-think me regarding the mouse problem in this apartment. I’ve seen these critters up in here on multiple occasions and have caught enough of them to know that there is a steady supply of rodentia coming through my spot. When I tell him that he needs to handle it better he shrugs and says that he cant figure out where they could possibly be coming from, implying that the problem must be all in my head. Hunh? You loyal readers may remember the water bug infestation of ’08 that I braved in my last apartment, a 1.5 bedroom where I saw more bugs inside than outside. I’m moving soon, but I feel like I’ll always be skeeved out by the prospect of creepy critters in my personal space. In retrospect, I’ve had at least one critter-related dream every week for years, and the house parties that mice keep having in my kitchen aren’t doing much to stop the nightmares. I was thinking that maybe it’ll help if I clear the air by sharing five crazy critters that have given me at least mild anxiety but are all way worse than plain old mice.


5. The Aye-Aye. I’ve hated bats ever since summers away at Girl Scout Camp – if I don’t want a mouse up on me the last thing I want is one with wings swooping down into my hair. That’s what makes the Aye-Aye of Madagascar such a creepy critter. It’s part bat, rat, raccoon, and monkey, and just looks mad frazzled and desperate. Madagascar has a bunch of freaky animals, which is more proof of how Hollywood likes to lie to children because these jawns cannot be friendly or fun. It’s eyes look demonic and “aye-aye” sounds suspiciously like what garbagey dudes say to holla at me in the street.


4. The Blobfish. No, thank you. You know a creature is nasty when the naming process stalls when scientists realize that the name “Jellyfish” is already taken and are just straight up like “Ok, it’s a Blobfish, then.” It looks like an old racist white man to me for some reason and thankfully only lives in Australia.


3. Cane Rat/Grasscutter. Here’s something that’s always been left out of the ‘back to Africa’ discussion. The Cane Rat is one of the few viable traditional protein sources in some parts of West and Central Africa because of the bushmeat crisis. Oh, you didn’t know? Thanks to greedy hunters, bushmeat – aka forest animals, reptiles, and most crucially great apes – is an endangered food source. There are still there are plenty of humongous rodents and snails to eat so many development groups are encouraging more grasscutter eatin’. My real issue is having those roaming the general vicinity. I don’t care what anybody says, that is an ROUS if I’ve ever seen one.


So what if the Princess Bride critters aren’t technically real. If that cane rat thing  is not a rodent whose size is unusual then what in blazes is it?


2. The Candiru Fish. It’s irrational to worry about Amazonian fish making their way up the Jersey Shore, but once you hear why the Candiru is such a big deal it may start to cross your mind occasionally like it does mine. I’ll keep it short: this is a tiny fish that swims up orifices and attaches itself with mighty little barbs. And it’s not going to let go, either. Yes, I do mean that this thing will make your urethra it’s new home. DO NOT WANT.

1. The Jerboa. I knew what a Jerboa was before seeing this video, but I’d never seen one that looked so much like an evil chicken rat crackhead as opposed to just a big-eared gerbil, which I also hate. Watching this video really gives me the creeps because that thing looks like it’d do anything in its power to hop up on you and make you upset. SO creepy!

I’m also not very into spiders. What critters can’t you stand?


  • Janea said:

    “It looks like a old racist white man…” Hilarious!! It really does! That made my day…

    Water bugs and mice top my list. Can’t stand them, actually am kinda scared of them (ridiculous I know) but always seem to see one or the other wherever I live :(

  • Phenique said:

    “I don’t care what anybody says, that is an ROUS if I’ve ever seen one.”

    This is why I love you Thembi. I just had an image of the cane rat jumping on someone like the ROUS did on Wesley in that fire swamp. I’m still laughing. My critter pick is a little strange. It’s ants. I can see one ant and be perfectly fine but I see a line of them going where ever I start itching and scratching like Tyrone Biggums from the Chapelle Show. Looking at them makes my skin crawl.

  • illestmami said:

    That Jerboa, an “evil chicken rat crackhead” looks like it’s plotting and scheming to steal somebody’s Mercedes insignia off their car to sell for crack. That thing looks like it’s ALWAYS up to no good.

    No, thank you.

  • Luvvie said:

    RODENTS!!!! EEEEEK!!! *faints*

  • Dara said:

    my least favorite critters ever are grubs. EW. they are so plumb and dirty and nasty.

    enjoy this photo entitled, “grubs is good eats” on my behalf:


  • Tafari said:

    If you goal was to make me throw up in my mouth, you win. That blob fish is fucking disgusting! But that Jerboa is cute. I want one.


  • yamma99 said:

    I don’t have a problem with any of the critters pictured here (I still can’t believe the blobfish is real), but I do HATE spiders. They have a fascinating beauty that keeps me from killing the giant ones that live in my garden and above the porch light, but in the house I have no mercy. My husband has been trained to seek and destroy.

  • yamma99 said:

    I just looked up more info on the blobfish – I think a lonely fisherman mated with a salmon….

  • oti said:

    thanks, thembi. im now convinced that the meat in my quesadilla last night was cane rat/grasscutter. my stomach hurts.

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