“What The Eff?” Wednesday: Ten Crazy Christmas Album Covers
Everyone who is anyone has a Christmas album, but in a rush to take advantage of our holiday cheer (i.e. trick us into buying bad music just because its Christmas-y) some artists have to cut corners on the cover art. Here are 10 prime examples of such ridiculousness.
10. “Naughty or Nice” – 3LW
The gall of 3LW to release a Christmas album at all (let alone with only two members, one of which is wearing a Christmas fur bra top) can only exist in a capitalist country with a Christian majority. I’m just saying…besides, I can’t even tell which one is naughty and which one is nice. What a mess.
9. ”Christmas” – Howard Hewett
I’m sure this album is filled with smooth grooves, but must the cover feature Howard swaddled in white satin with his shoes off? Also notice the hat on the bed in the corner of the album, I’m just confused by that.
8. “Christmas Jews” – 2 Live Jews
I figure if you’re going to start a group that parodies 2 Live Crew and name it 2 Live Jews, you may as well make a Christmas album with cover art of you surfing into the holiday season on a bagel.
7. “Christmas Reflections” – Paulette Ashe & Holy Vessels
I can’t sing and don’t have an album. But I DO have glamour shots from Sears. That is what Paulette Ashe and I have in common.
6. “A Holiday Celebration” – Rockin’ Sidney
Time has proven that the errant Creole curl on the forehead and the soulpatch go together like egg and nog. A holiday celebration, indeed.
5. “Rap Allstars” – Last Christmas
Rap Allstars? Don’t they mean Not Stars? I don’t recognize a single one of these people.
4. “Pull My Finger: Jingle Smells” – Various Artists
I maintain the sense of humor of a ten-year old child, but even I couldn’t stand ninety minutes of fart music, not even classics such as “Silent Butt Deadly Night,” and “We Wish You a Smelly Xmas (Unplugged).” Is it just me or is that Santa extra scary looking, like he’s a Killer Klown from Outerspace or something? What intrigues me most is that the album is credited to “Various Artists.” Think about that one for a while and get back to me.
3. “A Kimmy and Klassé Khristmas” – Kimmy and Klassé
I resent the butchering of the English language through the substitution of K’s for C’s, but I also have to side-eye the obvious problem with the title “Kimmy and Klassé Khristmas.” Who wants to buy an r&b album known as “KKK” for short?
2. “May Christmas Bring You Happiness” – Luther Vandross
Luther, we love you and we miss you and, on your behalf, are willing to hunt down and throat-chop the person responsible for this album cover.
1. “This Christmas Is To Be With You” – Last Edition
Wait, what? You mean to say there’s a singing group called Last Edition? Had they heard of the infinitely more popular group New Edition before choosing this name and causing what must be a lifelong Abbott & Costello routine for their fans? Try to recommend their music to a friend and they’ll inevitably say “Oh, you must mean New Edition,” and you’ll have to say “No, no, I mean LAST Edition. They’re new.” “Like I said, NEW Edition,” the friend says, and on and on. Meanwhile, just look at what all else is happening: the Daycare Center font, the layered Photoshop effects, the hats, the braids, the anemic tree…Bah Humbug!
Bonus: “Knockin’ Boots for Christmas” - H-Town
Uncle Luke has had a few Christmas albums and “Christmas at Uncle Luke’s House” yielded this highly inappropriate and rather tragic single by H-Town.