“What The Eff?” Wednesday: Who Is Corey Johnson aka Musicorey?
People always ask me, “Thembi, how do you find this stuff?” Well, this week I’m going to walk you through the process because there is no reason why a perfectly sane woman such as myself should be asking any questions about Corey Johnson. Please bear with me as I take you through the tragically painful journey of discovering all there is to know about this person. Do not feel obligated to watch any of these videos all the way through, but you’d be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t at least sample a few moments of each painful little Musicorey morsel. None of these videos are safe for work, blackness, or humanity, and I kind of fear for my safety by doing this post. Let’s begin.
A few weeks ago one of the video feeds that I use posted the following without much comment.
Fine. That’s what I get for clicking play on a video with a screenshot showing a black man wearing a bandana and a white belt. Not to mention that upon clicking play I was subjected to vocal stylings even angrier than those ridiculous pelvic thrusts. That’s just fine. The thing is, I had to know more. There’s no way that someone like this only has one You Tube video. I realized true investigative journalism necessitated finding out everything about him that I could.
I quickly discovered that this man is Corey Johnson, aka Musicorey aka Immajesty. It don’t take Nostradamus to predict that a black dude with long hair and suspicious sexuality would be into Michael Jackson, and likewise I was greeted by this video on his YouTube channel homepage.
Aside from his use of every single special effect allowed by law, I’m so confused about what’s happening in the background of this video. My crib is no Better Homes & Gardens showroom, but I’m hard pressed to understand what made our friend Corey showcase those wacky home furnishings and his grandmomma’s quilt hanging on the wall. That dresser looks like something from Dorothy’s room on Golden Girls and I just don’t feel right about a grown man living in that much peach.
Instead of laughing and heading to bed, I called a trusted friend to show him this mess and we continued, watching every single clip. It turns out that Corey Johnson has over one hundred uploads spanning a handful of categories. First, he has a collection of Michael Jackson covers, which is pretty much what we expected to see. Then, he has a handful of clips, much like the disaster that originally led me to the wonder that is Corey Johnson, all focusing on his gyrating hips, under the guise of “tributes” to recording artists. These videos range from Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” (where he wears washes of denim that are just archaic) to Snoop Dogg’s Sexual Eruption (which he manages to turn into an eight minute video while wearing a pink wig) and even down to a little Boy George (just go see for yourself). I won’t post these, but do click around for a while. You’ll notice that each wardrobe and hair choice is more preposterous than the last. I’d rather post my favorite of the bunch, Corey’s overly-aggressive yet passionate cover of “Hotel California.”
Yes that nigga did just kiss his own muscles.
At this point I was really tired of Corey’s erection, so I continued to browse his other offerings. The third category of his canon involves videos demonstrating his powers of telekinesis. Aside from loving to sing, Musicorey can apparently also move objects with sheer mind power. Just watch.
Now I’m getting upset. You see, up until now this dude was just a run-of-the-mill internet weirdo obsessed with pop music and his own penis. Come to find out he’s going around making videos of himself moving cans of grits with his mind!?!? Also notice his very special speech pattern, which indicate not only a general degree of crazy but also reveal that dude is quite black. So black, in fact, that the fourth type of video he posts consist of general commentary public service announcements about his life in Portland, Oregon. Check out this one about how evil the police are:
We’re into dark, grim territory now. This man says things like “shot up,” and pronounces the word police “po-lice.” This is a black man for real, and you’re probably even more upset right now if you made it all the way to the end or, if you removed the text boxes, you noticed the special surprise of a child hiding in the background. Folks, this is what I call The Holy Trinity of Effed Up Blackness ©: he was clearly one of very few or even the only black child in his class, he was not beaten as a child, and he was told a few too many times what nice hair he has. We have only ourselves to blame.
But wait – there’s more. I can’t just leave the question of Corey’s sexuality out of this journey. For the record, in response to various comments calling him every derogatory term for homosexual there is, he writes: “I can also assure you that Im a 100% man; Coochee Only. Only My Wife Coochee That Is..(Smiles) O Yeah!!” His Twitter page belabors the point:
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
After finding nothing on his Facebook page except for the claim that some people say he’s the next Michael Jackson, I went onward to Myspace. Corey’s MySpace page links to his “wife” Karen’s MySpace page, who as far as I can tell is not a living human currently part of Corey’s life. At best, Karen is being held hostage in his basement or lives in a far away city. Out of dozens of photographs on this site, not a single one is of the two of them together. There are, however, numerous pictures of her Photoshopped into photos, and not even that well. I urge you to visit the site and check out their fake wedding photos, unless you’re an epileptic, in which case the excessive use of Blingees could cause a seizure. Here’s an example of what I mean, though:
Wow. The look of the woman he chose as his play wife is quite…curious and in line with my Holy Trinity theory. Not only that, but the entire page is a tribute to her husband and her interests are exactly the same as his. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Included on these MySpace pages is one of Corey’s original songs, the soul-stirring “It’s So Good.”
Its So Good
Corey Johnson | MySpace Video
So there you have it. Wasn’t that like the boat ride that Willy Wonka took those kids on at the Chocolate Factory? Doesn’t your soul feel drained? THAT is how I find this stuff.