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“What The Eff?” Wednesday: Who Is Corey Johnson aka Musicorey?

19 January 2010 30 Comments

People always ask me, “Thembi, how do you find this stuff?” Well, this week I’m going to walk you through the process because there is no reason why a perfectly sane woman such as myself should be asking any questions about Corey Johnson. Please bear with me as I take you through the tragically painful journey of discovering all there is to know about this person. Do not feel obligated to watch any of these videos all the way through, but you’d be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t at least sample a few moments of each painful little Musicorey morsel. None of these videos are safe for work, blackness, or humanity, and I kind of fear for my safety by doing this post. Let’s begin.

A few weeks ago one of the video feeds that I use posted the following without much comment.

Fine. That’s what I get for clicking play on a video with a screenshot showing a black man wearing a bandana and a white belt. Not to mention that upon clicking play I was subjected to vocal stylings even angrier than those ridiculous pelvic thrusts. That’s just fine. The thing is, I had to know more. There’s no way that someone like this only has one You Tube video. I realized true investigative journalism necessitated finding out everything about him that I could.

I quickly discovered that this man is Corey Johnson, aka Musicorey aka Immajesty. It don’t take Nostradamus to predict that a black dude with long hair and suspicious sexuality would be into Michael Jackson, and likewise I was greeted by this video on his YouTube channel homepage.

Aside from his use of every single special effect allowed by law, I’m so confused about what’s happening in the background of this video. My crib is no Better Homes & Gardens showroom, but I’m hard pressed to understand what made our friend Corey showcase those wacky home furnishings and his grandmomma’s quilt hanging on the wall. That dresser looks like something from Dorothy’s room on Golden Girls and I just don’t feel right about a grown man living in that much peach.

Instead of laughing and heading to bed, I called a trusted friend to show him this mess and we continued, watching every single clip. It turns out that Corey Johnson has over one hundred uploads spanning a handful of categories. First, he has a collection of Michael Jackson covers, which is pretty much what we expected to see. Then, he has a handful of clips, much like the disaster that originally led me to the wonder that is Corey Johnson, all focusing on his gyrating hips, under the guise of “tributes” to recording artists. These videos range from Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” (where he wears washes of denim that are just archaic) to Snoop Dogg’s Sexual Eruption (which he manages to turn into an eight minute video while wearing a pink wig) and even down to a little Boy George (just go see for yourself). I won’t post these, but do click around for a while. You’ll notice that each wardrobe and hair choice is more preposterous than the last. I’d rather post my favorite of the bunch, Corey’s overly-aggressive yet passionate cover of “Hotel California.”

Yes that nigga did just kiss his own muscles.

At this point I was really tired of Corey’s erection, so I continued to browse his other offerings. The third category of his canon involves videos demonstrating his powers of telekinesis. Aside from loving to sing, Musicorey can apparently also move objects with sheer mind power. Just watch.

Now I’m getting upset. You see, up until now this dude was just a run-of-the-mill internet weirdo obsessed with pop music and his own penis. Come to find out he’s going around making videos of himself moving cans of grits with his mind!?!? Also notice his very special speech pattern, which indicate not only a general degree of crazy but also reveal that dude is quite black. So black, in fact, that the fourth type of video he posts consist of general commentary public service announcements about his life in Portland, Oregon. Check out this one about how evil the police are:

We’re into dark, grim territory now. This man says things like “shot up,” and pronounces the word police “po-lice.” This is a black man for real, and you’re probably even more upset right now if you made it all the way to the end or, if you removed the text boxes, you noticed the special surprise of a child hiding in the background. Folks, this is what I call The Holy Trinity of Effed Up Blackness ©: he was clearly one of very few or even the only black child in his class, he was not beaten as a child, and he was told a few too many times what nice hair he has. We have only ourselves to blame.

But wait – there’s more. I can’t just leave the question of Corey’s sexuality out of this journey. For the record, in response to various comments calling him every derogatory term for homosexual there is, he writes: “I can also assure you that Im a 100% man; Coochee Only. Only My Wife Coochee That Is..(Smiles) O Yeah!!” His Twitter page belabors the point:

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

After finding nothing on his Facebook page except for the claim that some people say he’s the next Michael Jackson, I went onward to Myspace. Corey’s MySpace page links to his “wife” Karen’s MySpace page, who as far as I can tell is not a living human currently part of Corey’s life. At best, Karen is being held hostage in his basement or lives in a far away city. Out of dozens of photographs on this site, not a single one is of the two of them together. There are, however, numerous pictures of her Photoshopped into photos, and not even that well. I urge you to visit the site and check out their fake wedding photos, unless you’re an epileptic, in which case the excessive use of Blingees could cause a seizure. Here’s an example of what I mean, though:

Wow. The look of the woman he chose as his play wife is quite…curious and in line with my Holy Trinity theory. Not only that, but the entire page is a tribute to her husband and her interests are exactly the same as his. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Included on these MySpace pages is one of Corey’s original songs, the soul-stirring “It’s So Good.”
Its So Good

Corey Johnson | MySpace Video

So there you have it. Wasn’t that like the boat ride that Willy Wonka took those kids on at the Chocolate Factory? Doesn’t your soul feel drained? THAT is how I find this stuff.

30 Comments »

  • Sabrina said:

    I feel sad for humanity for having just witnessed this post. And sadder for the real Karen (or whatever her real name is) :(

  • Caasi said:

    I am laughing. And crying. And crying. And crying.

    How, why, what, huh, how, WHY?!

  • SCAREASHELL said:

    Brilliant. This post is the most fucked up, hilarious terrifying shit I’ve EVER SEEN. Thembi is taking it another level. She’s like the Beetlejuice version of Barbara Walters. And I love it.

  • Mike said:

    “It’ch sho good to meeeheee” What the eff? I’m glad you posted this a day early.

  • [fung'ke][blak][chik] said:

    unfuckingbelievable!

  • AverageBro said:

    Holy Jesus, what in the world is this Negro Nonsense?!?

  • OneChele said:

    Is there a mental health hotline we can refer him to? Wow, that’s a whole other level of crazy.

  • modi said:

    i thought i was funny.

    but i just cried so hard laughing at this entire post. @averagebro put me on. this is fucking ridiculous. and incredible. and you should somehow try and make sure everybody in the world sees this joint. the police brutality video is ridiculous. and how did he move that can of grits? he needs to be on tosh.o’s web redemption. ASAP. STAT. and whatever words mean “right the fuck now”.

    oh, and i will not lie: “it’s so good” is a FUCKING BANGER! A FUCKING BANGER! my god! after all that belittling you did, you CAN’T LIE like you didn’t bring that shit the fuck back like DJ drama. three times. cuz i’m on my third go right now, and am trying to find a program that’ll rip that video into .mp3. yeah, i just said all that. i mean listen to the man’s harmony. listen to the simple but sultry beat! he’s going HAM. if he sold that song to somebody in the ’90s, he’d be breaded like the chicken i’m probably gonna eat tonite.

    @DCtoBC. over and out. find me on twitter nation if you need to talk more about this tomfuckery.

  • Nikki said:

    Aww Man, I was have the worst day ever, and this made my tears so worth it. Thank you. My stomach and my cheeks hurt.

  • Fiqah said:

    Oh my goodness gracious God. Not just “kissed” his muscles. FRENCH kissed his muscles. Like, second base. With his mus-…I mean, with his OWN dagnab-…I can’t. I quit LIFE.

  • Leon X said:

    Georgio is someplace wondering how he got swagger jacked.

  • Dara said:

    holyfuckingshit!

    i…i…i lost it at the myspace photos!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Karen….BAHAHAHAH

    for this, i disown you.

  • Gigi said:

    Thembi, WTF for real!?!?!?!? OMG, I can’t believe I even made it through half of these videos. What goes on in the mind of a man like this and why does he feel the need to stuff his pants and thrust his hips out so much!?!? That photo of him and his “wife” is completely photoshopped by the way. He ain’t got no woman!

  • Mel said:

    No. Seriously. What is going on with that semi erection??!

    I couldn’t make it past 10 seconds of any of the videos where you can see his full body because I was creeped out. That looks like the type of thing he should probably go see a doctor for.

    And if Karen is really his wife, she looks like a ‘ride or die’ and for that… I can respect her. HA!

  • Super Hussy said:

    You never fail to amaze me, but this shit right ‘cheah…this took the cake! I nearly lost my innards laughing. Bravo to you and this nutso. I think I’m gonna follow him on Twitter.

    Wait, is he wearing a lacefront in his MJ tribute vid? Really?

  • Fiqah said:

    Poh-Leesh-Shesh. Ladies and gentlemen, good night.

  • Bef from O Hell Nawl said:

    iCan’t…I mean I seriously can’t…I stopped after like video 2….

  • Mika said:

    “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again” is the first thing that comes to mind.

    It’s 6am and already this day can not get any stranger. amazing!

  • ShonQuayShah said:

    i am with Mel, i don’t understand and i don’t think i will try to. one of my relatives (don’t we all have one?) was a crack-head. i mean like the original version, from back in the 80’s! i told my mother that i could not understand WHY she would do that (drugs) just never could wrap my mind around it. Momma said, “you can’t figure out foolishness, so don’t even try.” I’ma go with my Momma’s quote on this whole Corymusic thing…smdh…we have got to do better.
    shouldn’t there be some sort of test you have to pass to post things on youtube?

  • lola gets said:

    Ok, I am trying not to bust out into hysterics, but this guy is a loon! Whoooo!!!!

    PS I think hes sporting a boner in “Whats New Pussycat” too. Its nice that this man can get so, um, “excited” all by himself.
    *snicker*

  • Sub-Rosa said:

    My soul is sad and my twisted interest in all things odd and mercurial is piqued….lol

    LONG LIVE MUSICOREY!

    (I’m giggling uncontrollably while typing this)

  • lello said:

    how can someone be so entertaining and haunting at the same time?

  • Corporate AfroPuff said:

    “Ride real good….coochee feel good……” may be even better than 3:00-3:10!

    I am so confused and fascinated by humanity.

    Thank you Thembi for all you do.

  • bethala said:

    is this what happens to black people in Oregon?

  • Tony said:

    I was wondering what had happened to Terence Trent D’Arby…..Pop culture is such a cruel mistress.

  • Sparkle said:

    We might have to put this character in the Good Hair Gone Bad Category, Subdivision “Indian in You Family”. Seriously this brother looks like he might be part Native American if the hair is actually his. If it is then this is a true case of Good Hair Gone Totally Bad. We have to add some subcategories and he is the first example of the Ndn in yo family gone wrong.

    I have to give the brother credit though. He do have some nerve. I guess anybody can get on YouTube if they submit a video and the fee.

  • Sparkle said:

    We might have to put this redbone in the Good Hair Gone Bad Category, Subdivision “Indian in Yo Family”. Seriously this brother looks like he might be part Native American if the hair is actually his. If it is then this is a true case of Good Hair Gone Totally Bad. We have to add some subcategories and he is the first example of the Ndn in yo family gone wrong.

    I have to give the brother credit though. He do have some nerve. I guess anybody can get on YouTube if they submit a video and the fee.

  • titi_215 said:

    haaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa! #iCant. This is hill-larry-us! I am sharing w/ everyone I know….*dead*

  • ihsanamin said:

    This is awful.

  • Finlay Richardson said:

    i always thought that there is some sort of built in mind power in everyone of us.;`;

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