John Mayer’s Lies and The Brown Nipple Theory
I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me. – John Mayer
Very full of crap is what he is. I never liked John Mayer. He’s a sloppy looking guy whose music is the sort they play in nail salons and waiting rooms. While I wasn’t paying attention this dude rose from awkward white kid on the adult contemporary charts to black America’s favorite Caucasian on the guitar. Dave Chappelle (who is to blame for all of it) put him in a skit and five years later he’s tickling the strings at last September’s televised Madison Square Garden Jay-Z concert. Meanwhile Tito Jackson is sitting at home playing Parcheesi and we rest safely in our belief that the guitar is for white boys. All of that aside, John Mayer is a liar. I didn’t say racist or misogynist, which he might also be, I don’t know. But he certainly is a liar.
If you haven’t read the full text of Mayer’s interview with Playboy it’s worth checking out but only to have an informed opinion on the matter. The general vibe is what one would expect from a celebrity notorious for saying out of pocket things and a magazine built around the bravado of male heterosexuality; as he discusses masturbation, his past partners, “fags”, and his own penis, Mayer betrays his mild personality disorder and desire to shock people. Before you label him a “douche” realize that Mayer used that word in reference to himself eight times in the interview, which is classic drawing attention behavior (anyone seeking a positive image would avoid the subject). Of all the nonsense, one segment in particular caught my attention:
MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”
PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.
MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.
PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?
MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.
PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.
MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.
Draw your own conclusions about whether to be irritated and what to be irritated with, especially his flip use of the n-word (which, in my opinion, we should go back to slapping white folks for using), and the fact that his hood pass and the content of this interview don’t mesh. WHATEVERS to him expressing sexual preferences, I’m focused on this “my d*ck is like a white supremacist,” business, the idea being he’s not attracted to black women, his anatomy will not function for a black woman, and he can only enter white vaginas, much like David Duke only likes white people. John Mayer, you lie!
It’s clear that Mayer was trying to be funny (because what’s funnier than the legacy of white supremacy), but claiming that you – a man – can’t rise to the occasion for a specific ethnic group? Balderdash. Furthermore, for a man who openly expresses the sexual maturity of a sixteen year old boy, I believe that The Brown Nipple Theory™ applies.
The Brown Nipple Theory™ is a catchphrase created during my youth to remind my group of friends that white guys were in fact interested in us. For years we’d all believed that white boys would never lay a hand on your average black girl, but we proved that tired theory wrong both by experience and simple logic. Basically, men love to go to the “locker room” and tell other men about their exotic exploits, one of which, in some circles, is having seen a brown nipple firsthand (hence the name of the theory). “The locker room” is a metaphor for “male space,” even the one that exists in a guy’s own mind, but the same pat on the back for achieving masculinity merit badges applies. A man can affirm his manhood (or non-gay-ness) by hitting a home run, making enough money to support his family, having the latest pair of Iversons, and of course tales of sexual conquest. Therefore, non-black men, especially immature/insecure ones, are more than willing to experience a black woman just for the sake of post-modern exoticism and the brown nipple merit badge. Trust me, the desperately single black women who wonder where all of the black men are may have a larger media presence, but those of us who have stolen boyfriends from little white girls are quite large in number. While the desire to prop the male ego up with sexual experiences is not race-specific, good-old fashioned male conquest can pass for post-racialism any day.
Back to John Mayer, I don’t care that he dated Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston, and may have the highest standards of any man on Earth. I’d wager my first born child on this dude being thrilled to get his hands on a Beyonce or Rihanna just like the rest of America and functioning in the bedroom accordingly. For a man to state a preference is completely normal, but to insist that a woman is untouchable is pure bravado and one has to wonder why it’s necessary or accepted (that is a whole other essay). Furthermore, it is very tiresome when men attempt to frame themselves as these choosy creatures who would only grace a gilded vagina with their golden staffs. Sure, it’s easy to pick and choose when you’re rich and famous, but the misogynistic meme “I’d hit/I wouldn’t hit,” is not only lame but delusional and FULL OF LIES. The majority of men would hit – anything. A can of baked beans. Janet Reno. Yes, even a black woman. I don’t think the average man should accept this about themselves or be proud of it, but let the intoxication level, scenery, desperation, and timing be right and everything is a go for most healthy men, and that goes for John Mayer, too. I refuse to believe otherwise.