I don’t usually start with something I hate, but as you’ve surely heard by now hip-hop legend Guru is having serious health issues and is in the hospital after a string of crises involving a heart attack, asthma attack, and coma. As if the unfortunate nature of these events isn’t enough, the internet is abuzz with accusations that his producer Solar (or “Superproducer Solar,” as he prefers to be called) is blocking the family’s access to Guru, didn’t even notify them that he’d been hospitalized for nearly a month before he went into a coma, and is currently making key…

I had to bring back these weekly updates because there’s too much random news to report! We’re barely on the other side of a new decade and it’s already attack of the 00’s.

The Guy From City High Trying To Go Dry Remember City High? Of course you do. They had two charting singles: What Would You Do? and Caramel, both in 2001. There was the cute girl (Claudette Ortiz), the guy who was in Sister Act 2 (Ryan Toby, left), and…the other

Oh, Aretha. I love you for your participation in the phenomenon of black women and hat-wearing. However, I can’t help but think that if it’s cold enough to stick your head through a fur muff, it makes no sense to have your ample breasts exposed while doing so.

You’re either cold or you’re hot – which is it? Also, there comes a point where fur just makes big folks look like Jim Henson monsters – say Snuffalupagus or Bluto from Labyrinth. Besides, we don’t want the tabloids to pick up on this and start the rumor that you’ve

I have to reveal some journalistic laziness on my part. I fully intended to go to the event advertised on this flier but other stuff, like laying in bed watching Special Victims Unit, seemed to have taken precedence.

Who can blame me for dodging the sorrow induced at seeing our beloved Jimmy Walker with his chin wistfully

Loyal reader Miriam posted a link to the Huffington Post article about Sammy Sosa’s drastic skin color change, and added the note: “As far as I’m concerned, this is a Thembi-mergency.” Miriam, I am on the case.

This is Sammy Sosa. For those of you who don’t know, he’s considered one of the greatest baseball players ever. He’s of Dominican descent and his home run hitting ability was a source of pride for Latinos until he was accused of using performance-enhancing drugs and corking his bat in 2003. Sosa retired earlier this year, and since then seems to be passing the time gettin’ purty. That’s Sammy in May on the left, and

Getting his hot little hands on Ntozake Shange’s 1975 play “For Colored Girls who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf,” was coup of the year for Tyler Perry. Not only will he produce and direct the upcoming film version, the King of Coonery will also write the adaptation of what may be the most important work about black female identity ever. Ask any black woman, especially the artsy/moody/self-aware type, about “For Colored Girls…” and she will respond with a wistful look and fond memories. I was Lady in Blue in a high school production and have told more than one sorry dude “insteada being sorry all the time, try being yourself,” quoting the Lady In Red (but playing it off like I came up with it on my own). This is classic material and now we can expect the intentionally stripped-down aesthetic of Shange’s work to be replaced by style choices that only a closeted gay man could make. Even worse, Perry has announced that he’d like to cast the likes of Oprah, Halle Berry, and Beyonce to tackle the play’s issues, which include love, rape, abortion, and relationships. Beyoncé??? Please pass the Xanax.

I was as intrigued as the rest of you when Tyra Banks announced that the season premiere of her talk show would involve her taking off the wigs and weaves and showing us her real hair. Something about the description convinced us that, much like the classic gag of someone’s wig being snatched off, we’d get to see Tyra bald-headed, peasy, or otherwise looking a little bit off of the beaten path style-wise. What were we thinking? Instead, of course, Tyra’s hair without the weave was pretty much what many women get weaves to look like – full, straight, healthy shoulder length tresses that have been cared for by the best stylists using the best products for decades. You got us there, girl!

I’ve stayed quiet on the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation because the thought of one person beating another person until her mouth fills with blood is not very funny and you know I like to crack myself up. Notice that I did say a “person” – my problem with the domestic violence discussion is that it focuses on the idea that men should never hit women and I don’t exactly see it that way. Not only does the men vs. women idea reinforce gender and sexuality stereotyping, it ignores the more fundamental fact that no one should use violence or intimidation against…

Gary Coleman has gradually made his way onto the short list (ha) of people whose behavior I don’t understand. On the one hand, he’s a deliciously quirky pop culture icon responsible for a catch phrase that, if used in the perfect situation, is still funny twenty-five years after its inception (yes, there is a time and a place for a ‘whatchu talkin’ bout Willis…I just haven’t personally observed one recently). On the other, he’s demonstrated violent and aggressive tendencies repeatedly and of course there was that whole homosexual love affair/rap album debacle. Bottom line – this man continues to bring in the paychecks, whether the joke is on us or on him. His most recent venture: Fry Cup Fortune for New York Fries.

I need for white girls and fellas to stop getting blackgirl haircuts. Cease and desist. Do not pass Go or collect two hundred dollars. In the immortal words of Full House’s Uncle Joey “Cut. It. Out.”

Kate Gosselin, I see you. I hate that you’ve been abandoned by your man and are now the single mother of eight screaming kids (as much as that sounds like a stereotypical black woman’s dilemma). But you’re not doing yourself any favors with that characteristically complicated blackgirl haircut. Why on earth would a white woman do such a thing?