I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me. – John Mayer

Very full of crap is what he is. I never liked John Mayer. He’s a sloppy looking guy whose music is the sort they play in nail salons and waiting rooms. While I wasn’t paying attention this dude rose from awkward white kid on the adult contemporary

Everyone who is anyone has a Christmas album, but in a rush to take advantage of our holiday cheer (i.e. trick us into buying bad music just because its Christmas-y) some artists have to cut corners on the cover art. Here are 10 prime examples of such ridiculousness.

10. “Naughty or Nice” – 3LW

The gall of 3LW to release a Christmas album at all (let alone with only two members, one of which is wearing a Christmas fur bra top)

When recording artist Santogold changed her name to Santigold I wasn’t really paying attention. I heard something about there being another artist who already had that name and kept it moving. But did you know that the man behind the name change is a tragically weird infomercial/jeweler/musician from the 1980’s? He brought legal action against Santi for infringement, saying that by her use of the name Santogold she was “crushing [his] hopes of continuing his music and acting career.” Really? ‘Cause I ain’t never heard

I have to reveal some journalistic laziness on my part. I fully intended to go to the event advertised on this flier but other stuff, like laying in bed watching Special Victims Unit, seemed to have taken precedence.

Who can blame me for dodging the sorrow induced at seeing our beloved Jimmy Walker with his chin wistfully

Loyal reader Miriam posted a link to the Huffington Post article about Sammy Sosa’s drastic skin color change, and added the note: “As far as I’m concerned, this is a Thembi-mergency.” Miriam, I am on the case.

This is Sammy Sosa. For those of you who don’t know, he’s considered one of the greatest baseball players ever. He’s of Dominican descent and his home run hitting ability was a source of pride for Latinos until he was accused of using performance-enhancing drugs and corking his bat in 2003. Sosa retired earlier this year, and since then seems to be passing the time gettin’ purty. That’s Sammy in May on the left, and

Getting his hot little hands on Ntozake Shange’s 1975 play “For Colored Girls who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf,” was coup of the year for Tyler Perry. Not only will he produce and direct the upcoming film version, the King of Coonery will also write the adaptation of what may be the most important work about black female identity ever. Ask any black woman, especially the artsy/moody/self-aware type, about “For Colored Girls…” and she will respond with a wistful look and fond memories. I was Lady in Blue in a high school production and have told more than one sorry dude “insteada being sorry all the time, try being yourself,” quoting the Lady In Red (but playing it off like I came up with it on my own). This is classic material and now we can expect the intentionally stripped-down aesthetic of Shange’s work to be replaced by style choices that only a closeted gay man could make. Even worse, Perry has announced that he’d like to cast the likes of Oprah, Halle Berry, and Beyonce to tackle the play’s issues, which include love, rape, abortion, and relationships. Beyoncé??? Please pass the Xanax.

I’ve stayed quiet on the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation because the thought of one person beating another person until her mouth fills with blood is not very funny and you know I like to crack myself up. Notice that I did say a “person” – my problem with the domestic violence discussion is that it focuses on the idea that men should never hit women and I don’t exactly see it that way. Not only does the men vs. women idea reinforce gender and sexuality stereotyping, it ignores the more fundamental fact that no one should use violence or intimidation against…

Gary Coleman has gradually made his way onto the short list (ha) of people whose behavior I don’t understand. On the one hand, he’s a deliciously quirky pop culture icon responsible for a catch phrase that, if used in the perfect situation, is still funny twenty-five years after its inception (yes, there is a time and a place for a ‘whatchu talkin’ bout Willis…I just haven’t personally observed one recently). On the other, he’s demonstrated violent and aggressive tendencies repeatedly and of course there was that whole homosexual love affair/rap album debacle. Bottom line – this man continues to bring in the paychecks, whether the joke is on us or on him. His most recent venture: Fry Cup Fortune for New York Fries.

I don’t really use Myspace anymore. I still maintain a profile and log on once in a blue moon and every single time I’m greeted by friend requests from the likes of …

I know exactly what happened here…

CINCINNATI — Elmwood Place police say they caught an alleged thief chewing the evidence over the weekend.

Court records show Maria Magobet, 50, from Dayton allegedly ordered lunch meat and cheese from the deli counter at Valley Grocery on Vine Street on Saturday, then walked out the store without paying.

Police noted a pickle was recovered from Magobet before she left the store.

When police caught up with Magobet, officers say they saw bits of lunch meat on Magobet’s mouth and shirt. Police also say she was still chewing and admitted to just eating some meat.